It's not a band, it's a person?

So last night I had a reality check.  I decided that I *deserved* to do what I want. Why? Because at times when things get hard I throw a little temper tantrum.  Such is last night.  I mentioned to Peter that McDonalds would taste so good. (Poor man, if he had said, "nah, I'm not feeling it." I would have annihilated him.) So on his way home from working last night  he grabbed a cheeseburger and small fries for me. Me, who will here further be referred to as "Dumbass". Three bites into the cheeseburger and Dumbass had a problem.  STUCK!  Well hello Dumbass, you have not ate bread in months, much less dry, shitty meat, big wonder that it was stuck.  So after 1/2 an hour of spitting up my saliva, because I literally could not swallow it and moaning in pain and walking the floors it finally went down.  So why is this called reality check? Because Dumbass needed one.  Dumbass needed to realize that even though the band is not working properly for her right now, it is still there.  Dumbass needed to feel a little pain and realize that even though things are not going as planned they are still going and she needs to still follow the plan.So while in the next month I may not lose any weight, I am still in the same boat.  The band is there, it's not going anywhere.  I signed up for this, no carbonation (amazingly easy so far), no bread, no steak, no rice, no big bites, no eating too fast.

Other things I was thinking about while trying to fall asleep last night, people in the band world refer to this thing like a person.  "So how are you liking your band?"  "What would you do if you lost your band today?"  "Do you love your band?"  "The band is great isn't it?"  So while yes, in general I like my band, I love my results so far, no I would not want to lose my band, etc. I still think it is just a piece of plastic (medical grade, but plastic).  So in order to cheer the mood I was thinking of asking for naming options for the band.  I mean, yes it is ridiculous, but funny.  People name their cars, can't I name my band?  It needs something that fits it's personality.   Slightly edgy, cutting edge, giving and yet needy at the same time. It must be expensive sounding too.  As it is only a small amount plastic and metal, but very expensive.  Also, no fat girl names like Gertrude or Fanny, this bitch is skinny! So post your name suggestions, come on it will be fun!

Old and creaky.......

That's how I feel, old and creaky.  The pain comes and goes.  I can go from doubled over to just fine in a matter of seconds.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, but sitting still seems to be the least painful way to go.  But for me and my lifestyle sitting still really doesn't work well.  I did go grocery shopping today, I just didn't unload them.  I cleaned up the house, just not the way I usually do.  One thing we are going to do is have a cleaning lady come in weekly through the end of January.  I did put the tree up last night, I just took it slow.  I try not to pick up Sophie very much  or do so from a sitting position.  So, in general I am just taking it as easy as my life allows.  I have already laid down the law about life for the month after surgery.  Momma is not doing anything.  Finn will go to Goddard full-time after PEDD for the month, and Sophie will be with mom. Pete will become re-acquainted with cleaning products and a broom. So other than that I will just need to make myself SIT STILL! Please Lord let there be lots of Real Housewives marathons on Bravo that month!

Now for the why this might have happen theory..... The port is/was attatched to the muscle.  Well, from what I have read, the muscles are even covered in some fat. As I lose weight, I also lose fat around organs and muscle too.  If the port was attached to a rather fatty place, then as the fat melted the port became looser and looser and just undid itself.  As far as why the tubing migrated, I have no idea!?

Other things that are still going on, HAIR LOSS!  Good Lord, this has got to stop soon.  Again, Thank God I had tons of hair before all of this! I will estimate I have lost close to 50% of my hair at this point.  I am taking lots of B complex and Biotin, I also started to use Nioxin.  Hopefully it will stop soon.  I am optimistic it will!

Now for happy stuff.  I have had a blast lately buying new clothes and just enjoying putting on make-up, getting dressed and looking nice.  What a great feeling!  I had totally lost all of that before.  I dreaded getting dressed and hardly wore make-up.  I am down from a size 30 to a 22 and sometimes a 20.  Psychologically it is hard to get myself to buy those sizes.  I am still trying to take 28's into the dressing room!  I got fitted for a bra the other day and I should wear a 40C, my stupid tail still bought a 42C.;  Baby steps, baby steps.

Well, well, well

First let me start by saying this, AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My port is completely flipped and detached from the muscle!  Also, I have been dealing with a horrific pain in my side, this pain feels like a bad cramp after running, times 10.  The Dr. looked on the image and saw that my tubing has migrated over to the area where I am feeling the pain.  Which is directly to the left of my port and over about 2 inches.  He thinks the tubing has done one or all of three things, 1) attached to the muscle, 2) attached to my pancreas or 3) is lodged between the muscle.  The only way to find out is exploratory surgery.  So instead of just a quick in and out port fix under twilight anesthesia, I now have to go through another laprascopic surgery with full anesthesia on Dec 30th. The findings will tell us how long I am in the hospital for.  So needless to say I am pissed, upset and completely dumbfounded! I am also upset that I will be in pain until the 30th.  Needless to say this New Years will blow!~  Well off to cancel our sitter!

Which one do you want first? The good or the bad?

Let's start with the good.  Yesterday at the Doctor I weighed 252, tada I have lost 60 lbs!

Now for the bad.....I went for a fill yesterday as I badly needed one.  I knew the minute Erin stuck the needle in there was a problem.  She had the needle in my skin and kept "fishing" around with it.  Highly unusual, highly painful!  I could feel what I can only describe as the needle scratching against plastic, a truly weird sensation.  After a couple of minutes of me doing sit ups, relaxing, sits up again, Erin removed the needle and said she did not get it.  So we tried doing it with me standing up.  That involved another nurse in the room with smelling salts at the stand by.  Very painful again, lots of scratching and searching and again nothing.  So she removed the needle and tried again.  Again very painful, with lots of pushing this time.  Nothing!  At this point I am getting worried because Erin is a PRO! She is known for her fillin' abilities and lack of a miss-fire!  So she leaves the room and comes back with Dr. Schroder the other surgeon in the practice, he tries, NOTHING! He asks for a smaller needle and promises this one will not hurt as bad.  It did not with the initial piercing, but then he decided I have tons of scar tissue he need to push through.  Holy mother of God! Then I can feel the needle scratching plastic again.  He tries one more time with a new "realize" set-up. Same results as all the others.  He looks at me and asks "Has anything happened to your port"?  ummmm no!  He hypothesizes that one of three things has happened: 1) I have tons of scar tissue and he can not get through it 2) the port tilted 3) the port flipped over and the back of the port is presenting to the needle.

Let's discuss this .  I chose the Allergan - Lap Band  band due to its port.  It was reported to be easier to fill, higher profile and less chance of movement  and flipping!  He said if it flipped I will be his first patient ever. That usually after 6 weeks it is in place and good. So I go back Friday to go under Floroscope with the Dr. Schroder and see whats going on.  I am praying for scar tissue or tilted port.  Those we can work with, flipped port means ANOTHER surgery!

This is a picture of the Lap-Band, the port is circular thing at the end of the tubing right above this sentence.  The dark grey piece is where the needle needs to puncture.  Usually when that happens I can feel a "pop".

Once the Dr. left the room, I asked Erin if I would have felt the port flip, she said not necessarily. I told her I get really really bad craps on that side (I have one now) and they go on for hours. She said some patients do.

Guys I am really worried.  I do not want to go through surgery again, this one *I* think would be worse too, because they have to cut this thing out of the muscle and reattach it. Plus Peter and I have been hammered with bills lately and depending if the surgery happens before Jan 1 or not, it will cost us anywhere between $2800 and $5000.  Arrghhh, I know I am worrying before knowing, but if you know me, that's me. So any prayers, good thought, positive vibes, etc would be greatly appreciated!

Dreams.....

Dreaming is such a surreal experience.  Consisting of vivid, emotional pictures and feelings that some times make no sense.  Some times we dream in short little spurts, or none at all.  But other times we have those dreams that seem to go through the entire night. Even after slightly waking to roll over or adjust in the bed, the dream continues.  At least that was my experience last night.

My dream last night was similar to one I used to have consistently for many years after the death of my brother.  Tortuous dreams, consisting of bits of reality and pieces of nonsense. Yet parts of it made me long for it to never stop.  Parts of it made life feel like it used to, he was alive, smiling, handsome as ever and happy. These dreams are so realistic that they envelop all of my senses.  I swear I can even smell him during the dreams.  Last nights dream started so nice and happy and ended again in torture.  There was no one scene I can pinpoint from the beginning of the dream, just warm and happy feelings and knowing he was alive and OK.  Talking to him, being brother and sister again, surrounded by love and warmth. Then the war happened.  The military showing up again saying this time he was only "wounded" but no more.  Days of wondering what happened and the honest feeling of terror while sleeping.  Then calm happened again, JR showed up at my door and he was fine, whole and amazed to find that I would not let him go.  He explained he had just gotten in a small scuffle and showed me he had not a scratch on his body.  All I could do was cry and try to explain to him he was already dead. Then my daughter woke up and pulled me out of hell.  This dream was so realistic that at 4am while searching on hands and knees for a pacifier I had to over and over again tell myself "he is gone".

I get back in bed and snuggle my 4 year old and think I might get another hour or so or good, non-torturous sleep, but no.  I go back to another form of the dream, now I am in Iraq in the back of a car with terrorist driving through the desert.  There is gritty, dusty sand everywhere, it is blowing in the windows and around the outside of the car.  They are yelling stuff in Arabic or Kurdish, clearly very mad at me.  They pull out a portable DVD and make me watch a video.  It is JR, telling me to find him, they are going to kill him.  He is begging me and I am crying not knowing what to do, or how I got here.  Then I wake up.

These dreams are so tumultuous.  I go from the best feelings of being with him and things are normal again and right, to being the one that has to save him, and clearly I can't.  You literally wake up feeling like there is a hole in your heart.
I hate that my brother died, I also hate the way he died.  So violently and at such unease.  I know JR knew he was going to die.  We chatted on instant messenger the morning (for me) before he died (the night before for him).  He was so scared.  He had dreamed he would die, it was too real and he could not sleep anymore.  I will never forget what I told him.  I said that in all my life I had never seen him scared, that he was the optimist not the pessimist, his glass was always half full and through-out life he had gotten through so many situations the average person never would have.  I told him I had no doubt that he would be home safe again, but that he needed to shake these feelings and get his head back in the game.  We ended the conversation with him typing/saying something he never had before,   "I love you, you know that right?" That's the last thing my brother said to me.

Things are getting alittle hairy around here.....

My hair is falling out in handfuls!  I heard this might happen, but thought, well I have tons of hair it won't matter.  I was wrong, it matters!  Your hair is a big deal and I am learning that the hard way!  I think this started because of the kitchen repairs and my inability to get a protein shake in everyday.  I noticed it about a week into no protein shakes, and it is just getting worse.  I am back on the shakes but man every time I run my fingers through my hair there is tons in my hands.  It is also breaking off!  Anyone have any ideas here? Anything vitamin or mineral wise I can do?

Now lets talk vitamins.  I hate mine.  I do chewables because I am afraid to swallow the big vitamin pills.  I hate the way they taste, they make me gage.  So I never take them.  That ends today!

Weight loss:  Well there has not been anymore.  I need a fill and have been able to eat way more than I should.  Plus I am drinking while I am eating when I go out.  That too stops today.  I want to lose 20 more pounds by Christmas.  If I can do that I will be in the 230's, which in the big scheme of things is very close to being at my goal of under 200.  So in order to acheive my goals I am eating right again, doing shakes, taking vitamins and not eating and drinking together.  The other big thing holding me back is alcohol.  So once every 2 weeks is my goal there.

I look at these last 2 weeks not as a set back, but as being normal.  Sometimes you fall into a rut and sometimes you do too much of a bad thing.  That's OK as long as you come back to the cleaner side of living. So call me squeeky, because I am clean now, hairless but clean.  Bald is in again, right?

Finally I did it.......

YES!!! I finally did it, I lost 50lbs! Well 52lbs on my home scale to be exact, which on the Doctors scale would be 54lbs!  This morning I weighed 260lbs! I am so damn excited! I am also proud of myself, because while in the last two weeks I have gone without a kitchen, eaten every meal at a Restaurant and not been able to go to the gym, I still lost weight! Mind you it was a slllooowww two weeks and I was stuck at 265 for what felt like ever! But damn it I did it!

Now for what happened since my last update.  I went into the Dr.'s on 10-8 and had some fluid (1cc) removed from my band.  It made a world of difference.  Erin my nurse told me I would probably need to come back in about 2 weeks and have a tiny bit put back in.  I think she is right and I will call early next week and make the appointment.  I still really dislike fills and un-fills, but it is a necessary evil.

I am headed out of town for a long weekend with a good friend.  I am so excited about this.  I need the R n R and a good head clearing. I am sure we will take plenty of pics, so I will post a new pic next week if we get a good one.

Funny story from this morning, I pulled on a pair of jeans to get Finn off to school.  I came upstairs and was talking to Pete for a bit and realized these jeans were falling down.  Pete said "you are so small now, kinda like petite". (I know he has biased eyes!)  Then he said, "But you look like a person, well, trying to wear too big pants!"  It is still crazy too me, because two weeks ago these jeans were snug.  Every time I pick up a pair of jeans to put on, I look at them and in my head I think, "there is no way in hell these are going to fit".  And they do, but now they are too big!

Captins log.....

Current weight 265, total weigh loss 47lbs.  I was really liking all this until about last week.  Everything I eat now gets stuck!  It is painful and embarrassing and I really hate it.  I put a call in to the doctor today and I am waiting for a callback.

I am assuming they will do either of these things:
1) Remove all the fluid and put me on liquids for awhile, then refill back to 4cc (I have 6cc now).
2) Remove 1cc and see how that goes.

I would far rather go with option 2.  I really do not want to go to 0 and start over, since I have never experienced the band empty.  I imagine I will be very hungry and not enjoy life very much until they fill it again.  But I am jumping the gun.

So, you may wonder what it feels like to get food stuck.  I will try and explain it.  Have you every gorged yourself on your favorite food? I mean eat until there is actually no more room, so the food just kinda sits in the esophagus.  Think Thanksgiving and you might get the idea. Well, it feels like that, but then add the worst indigestion pain you have ever felt.  Then the burping starts.  After you burp you feel better for a minute.  I think that is because the burp lifts the food up and off the band temporarily.  The food then sits back down on the band and it all starts over again.  This goes on for about 30 minutes.  It really sucks.  Now the other crappy thing about it is, you might have been starving hungry before you ate that bite.  But once it gets stuck, you are not hungry anymore. My theory on this is that the food is sitting on the band, so it is telling the band to tell your brain you are full.  If this happens early in the meal, as it has been for me, I either don't eat anymore or I force more down knowing the tiny bit I ate will not sustain me. 
I have two fears associated with this problem.
1) I am damaging the band and pouch by stretching it
2) I am screwing up the hernia repair


Needless to say, momma ain't happy.  Anyone who said this is the easy way out should really read this!

Also, we are currently  knee deep in the kitchen remodel, which is not fun, but it will be so worth it!So no functioning kitchen right now.

I am going to try and end this on a happy note though, I have gone down 4 to 5 sizes depending on where the clothes are from! And the current sizes are getting too loose.

Stuck on you.....

 I got a feeling down deep in my band that this food just won't go through.

I feel like Lionel Richie lately, everything I eat with any bulk to it gets stuck!  And stuck food hurts!  I know why this is happening:
 1) I eat way too fast for a band patient
2) I do not chew my food enough
3) I eat too big of bites

This morning was the worst.  I left the house at 7:30 to go get the Honda serviced, got home at 10:45 and wanted to eat quickly before Finn's bus came.  So I was on bite number two of fish and log jam.  That shit was stuck!  So I started doing what I call giraffe stretches.  That is basically where I stick my chest out as far as it will go and make my neck and torso as long as possible.  Why you ask?  Because in my simply little brain I think it will help.  Then I started taking cautious sips of water to try and push the food down.  Well folks that is when it happened.  I puked and puked and puked.  It was awful and so uncool.  It was also a let down that I let that happen.  I have got to slow myself down!  So the next time you are out with me and we stop for a bite to eat, just remind me of my Pukey Patti post please?!?!


Tonight I also joined the gym and did a full workout for the first time since I got pregnant with Sophie. I am glad I am blogging tonight because tomorrow my arms may hurt too much to do so.  It was nice to workout out in a gym again, although why do they have to smell so bad?  It was like an instant hit of sweat to the nose when I walked in.  Anyways I am looking to go in the mornings right at 9am for now.  So if anyone works out at Gold's on Broad, feel free to join me! 

Not much else going on.  I  am still losing, it just seems to go in spurts now.  I will stay the same for days, then boom lose 4lbs.  Then start all over again.  My skin is starting to show the signs of weight loss, which I do not like, but have no control over.  This is the main reason I joined the gym tonight, to try and help tone up the skin some.  Hopefully it will help, but I know I will have saggy skin.  That's OK, since in my real world I know very few, like maybe one, person that could pass for a model.  So in my crazy world, I guess I fit right in!

Fill me in........haha get it

I know, I have been slacking!  But between vacation and the entire family being sick, I have been a busy girl! So whats been up?

Well we had a sweet vaca with amazaing friends in Nags Head.  While I ate pretty much what I was supposed to I did drink entirerly too much!  I lost no weight while there but I am honestly happy with that.


Today I had my first fill!  OMG.com was I scared.  I was a wreck, which if you know me leads to trying to make the whole waiting room laugh.  I think my classic line of the day was this one, "Be gentle with my port, it's a virgin".  So this is how it went down.  I took my shirt and stuck it in my bra while standing in the floroscope/x-ray thing.  You could see my port on the screen, which was kinda neat.  Then Erin my nurse took this long needle and inserted it into my port.  This is about the time momma checked out.  Apperently I turned white as a sheet and started sweating, so we talked through this to keep me from going down.  Erin inserted 2cc of saline then left the needle hanging there, while I drank barium.  The barium passed through and the needle came out (which also coincided with my color returning).  Done deal!  I guess that I already had 4cc in my band, so now I am at 6cc total.  I am back on liquids for 2 days then 2 days of soft mushy stuff. 


Good news stuff that happened today. My blood pressure is down from 125/70 to 90/70 (I think we will probably be going off the ole heart medicine).  My weight was 271lbs.  Total weight loss in 49 days is 41lbs.  This is the craziest journey ever!

30 is the new WONDERFUL!

So I said I would and I am.  I hit 30 this morning! Woot Woot!  I think it might even be 32 at the Dr.s so only because you asked I am possting the dreaded before pic and the ones taken tonight.  I am about the most unphotogentic person on earth so here goes nothing....... (look closely you might see a weight listed too)

312lbs taken the night before the liver shrink.  Note:  I am not pregnant!

And taken literally 5 minutes ago:

281lbs as of this am!

So there it is,  not sure when I will post pics again, probably in another month.

Long time, no talk....

I have been slacking on writing the blog this week.  Quite honestly I have been just in a wonderful mood and enjoying life.  Listening to lots of good music with anything by Maroon 5, Sting and The Police topping the list of most played right now.  The weight started falling off again, but I am not really sure how much I have lost now.  Let me explain.  When I started I was over the weight limit on our home scale.  I went by how much my Dr.'s scale read the day before all of this started.  But now I think my home scale is 2lbs higher than the Dr.  SO, if that is true then I think I have lost 29lbs. I go back next Friday so we will see!

I have decided to do monthly pics.  So the first set will post on the 29th.  Pete took a pic of me the night before the live shrink diet.  I had no clue he was taking it and surprisingly enough, we were at Texas De Brazil.  I think I might on that day say my original weight and put up a new goal.  Right now the goals are set by every 10lbs, but I might move up to something bigger.

So, new good thing for the week:  True Lemon and True Lime.  They carry it in the Baking sections of Whole Foods and the new giant Kroger on Broad.  It is crystallized lemon or lime and chopped into sugar size crystals.  I put 2 packets of lime or lemon and 2 packets of Truvia in 8oz of water and it is really really good.  Tastes almost like the real thing. 

Well no one is here and I just downloaded more Maroon 5 on iTunes, time to rock out.  P.S. Does anyone else agree Adam Levine of Maroon 5 is absolutely yummy!?  My extreme R. Patz crush might be fading.....

The fat on my ass moves as sllllooooowwww as ....

MOLASSES right now! So I realize that a few posts back I said this would happen.  I understand it is normal, I understand it happens to most people, but I don't care.  I want this weight gone!  I am not eating  portion sizes fit for Fievel Mouskewitze to not see the scale go down.  So today I added in exercise, I walked on the treadmill and I actually enjoyed it.  I am hoping to wake up and see the scale move in the morning.  So in order to keep me motivated I am going to write a few good things that happened this week:
* I can wear a dress that didn't fit before I lost weight and it is sort of loose!
* Instead of my belly touching the steering wheel, it now sits about 2 inches back from it!  I can see my feet when I drive!
* My knee and ankles no longer hurt!
So I am going to try and focus on these things.  When I get P.O.'d I am going to remember how it was before these great things happened.  I am also going to just keep doing what I am doing, because eventually my body will have to just give up!

Now I need your help!  Tell me some of your favorite songs to workout to.  High energy, good beats, etc.  Right now and in the past these are/were a few of my favorites:
*Katy Perry,  California Gurls
*Guns and Roses,  Paradise City
*Train, Hey Soul Sister
*Eminem, Love the Way You Lie
*Lady Gaga, Alejandro and Bad Romance
*My Chemical Romance,  House of Wolves, Cancer and Mama
* Nike, Mixed Terrain Treadmill Training, various artists
*Green Day, most of their older stuff

I really need music that keeps you going, so put your favs it in the comment section. Thanks!

The aspect of an idiot.......

Yesterday I ended up unexpectedly at the surgeons office.  My largest incision opened up and it troubled me to see a hole in my stomach so I called.  I find it funny still, that the nurse asked me after telling her the incision was open, "Do you want to come in"?  Nahhh, I think it's normal to see inside myself, rather cool too.  I mean come on!  So I went in and apparently it really is no big deal! Just have to keep a bandage on it.  So far on their scale I have lost 25lbs!  Can I get a woot woot!  I was glad to see the loss on their scale because my scale is not being so friendly.  It has not done anything but go up 2lbs, but there are lots of things making that happen, so no worries and none of them are things I can do anything about.  Their scale means more to me anyways because I was weighed on it the day before the liver shrink diet so it's accurate. 


Now to the idiot part.  While sitting for an hour in the waiting room waiting to be seen.  It got very crowded, I mean not a seat left.  Let me explain to you my surgeon does all types of surgeries but it is apparent by his clientele that WLS is his bread and butter.  So a rather larger lady sits down beside me and across from me is another large lady.  I am just sitting there day dreaming and the lady across from me, lets call her "Patty" starts asking the lady next to me a bunch of questions.
"You had your surgery yet?" asks Patty (how rude, I mean what if she just had gallstones!)
"No, just here for my consult" says nice shy woman
"I had mine, lost 51lbs since May." say Patty proudly
"Well I can't decide rather to get the bypass or the band"  says the nice lady.  Both Patty and I jump in and assure her to get the band. So the lady asks me when I got mine, and I told her.  Told her about the surgery ect.
Patty's dumb ass looks at me and says and I quote, "You puked yet?" OK, WTF!  I am like, "no".
"I puke at least twice a day." Says Patty almost proudly.
"Why, do you eat too fast?" I ask
"Yeah, I eat too fast, and I try lots of things.  Like the other night my family had steak, so I decided to try a little piece. Girl it got so stuck they had to call the volunteer Firefighters to come give me the heimlich."


OK, dumb ass the first thing they tell you in the seminar, NO STEAK, NO BREAD!   Well at this point I am still fascinated as to why Patty pukes.  So I ask Pukey Patty, "How come you throw up, I mean I know you eat too fast, but what happens."  She says, "I eat too fast, then there is no room for any food to go anywhere, so it gets stuck.  So I drink some water to try and get it down but the water can't go anywhere so I just throw it up!"  She then proceeds to tell me how she eats WHATEVER she wants, that she refuses to starve to death.  So she mashes up spaghetti and eats it, yogurt (a no no once on whole foods), sandwiches, cereal etc, etc.  How she ate half a giant cookie last night, and ate the other half for breakfast.  This woman was an idiot and she was sitting there telling these people this who have yet to have the surgery!  After all this Pukey Patty says how mad she is that she just can't lose her stomach (while grabbing it and shaking it), she carries all her weight there and it just will not go away.  OK people have you seen me? I have an appendage hanging off the front of me called my stomach, it is the biggest source of my weight, so yeah I get it Pukey Patty.  But not 5 minutes earlier you told me you lost 51 pounds since May.  She then says well my stomach used to be out here and she mimics the space.  I said, well it seems you are in fact then losing your stomach, I guess things just take time.  Thank God they called my  name next, this woman drove me nuts! There was also a lady out there (Pukey Patty's seatmate) talking about how she knew she had gained weight because, last week such and such was in the hospital and all she could keep down was M&M's!  I mean come on, when was the last time your stomach hurt and you said to yourself, "Eureka, I think M&M's will work"!  And also how many M&M's did you have to eat to actually gain weight?  Thank God they called me name next, these women drove me nuts!

The rest of the visit went well, I go back in 2 weeks and I get my first fill into my band on Sept. 16th.  I am slightly worried, because I believe right now I have no restriction.  Meaning most of the swelling is gone and my band is not tight at all, allowing for anything to go down, also allowing me to get hungry.  Now I am going to not try and test my theory.  I feel that right now, even giving me a taste of food would possible send me right back to where I was before.  You know the seen in Twilight where Edward tells Bella, "You're like a drug to me.  Like my own personal brand of heroin."  I could easily say that to a New York strip.  So I will continue to do my best until the 16th of Sept. and JUST SAY NO!!!!!!!!

Momma said there would be days like this, well no honestly she didn't....

You know in the grand scheme of things, I hate a test. I never "tested well" in school. I hate the whole scenario, sit down, look at this cold white piece of paper, use a #2 pencil (boring!) and concentrate on one thing for a given time until you finish it. Then hope you did it right. I in general never got it right. I make it through life on common sense and just the right amount of street smarts (yes, I live in Wyndham and I said I have street smarts). I mean don't drop me off downtown and expect me to go rollin' witha homeys (a small homage there to Clueless), but basically I know when to shut my mouth, etc.

So as a child growing up I kinda thought to myself the tests would stop at some point, I am learning as a 30 something mom, the damn things still exists! It is not unusual for me to leave a Dr.'s appointment or therapy appointment for Finn without one of those answer sheets and a test booklet. Hell, I am often asked to be a test pusher and pass a test onto his school teacher too. I sit there and fill it out cautiously. I wonder what ramification, will each little bubble I fill with #2 lead have on my son. While I am sure answering "yes" to his ability to brush his teeth unassisted will be a gold star, and painfully aware that marking "never or seldom" to another question will inevitably ruin any future he has, or at least that is how it feels. Today I had to go get the results to one of those test, and man no matter how many times I hear the same thing over and over, or even set myself up to hear it again, it still sucks. So while today I heard that my little boy has the social abilities of a 20 month old, and his other abilities are "scattered", he is autistic and moody and probably a gamut of other things. I also heard he is handsome, and loving and physically beautiful! So in honor of this little boy who tries so hard I am going to tell you what he can do:
*He can run like the wind and smile so handsomely while doing it, that he puts Superman to shame!
*He can name every Thomas train they make, even if it is in a black and white coloring book!
*He can love his friends so much and never even know what a being a bully is!
*He can make his momma laugh, cry and scream all in a matter of 5 minutes!
*He can remember to bring you a sticker home from school because he knows you like them!
* He can eat an entire oreo in one bite and still try and carry on a conversation with you!
*He can memorize an entire book, and sweetly sit and read it to his sister.
*He can tell you that he "loves" your hair and "it's bewtiful" even when you just wake up and half of its smashed to your face and the other half is sticking straight up.

He can do a lot more too, those are just a few of my favorites.

So no matter his label or what the little bubbles on the answer sheet say, think about the things he can do above. And while I might say "tonight is margarita night, it's been a Finn on 10 day" remember I love him more than anything in this world, I will protect him fearlessly and applaud him the loudest, discipline him sternly and spoil him rotten!

Today is about more than some diet, today is about just living life and loving!

It's a good thing......

Hi everyone! I am feeling better and more like myself everyday. Total weight loss is 23lbs so I am excited! The soft and mushy food stage is going very well. I really feel like it is almost like eating any type of food. I can eat most things as long as they are cooking to a soft consistency. So all in all things are well.

Hard challenge of the last few days, going to Wendy's with Mom and Finn. I got a small chili and ate half of it, but it was a little hard watching them eat chicken nuggets and cheeseburgers. Tonight Pete and I are heading out to a movie and dinner, so that should be nice.

I wanted to post a few of my favorite new things. I figured if I like them then maybe you all will too!

First is a drink called FUZE. 10 calories per serving or less (depends on flavor), 1g of sugar. They are a nice change from water and since I can't have carbonation anymore they help with not getting bored with tea and water. BJ's has a coupon this month on them too! http://www.drinkfuze.com/

Second is my very favorite thing! Welch's 100% juice freezies. These look like flavor ice (remember the plastic tubes of juice you freeze and turn into a pop)? But they are soooo much better. I love Welch's concord grape juice. These are icy wonderful tubes of the juice! Yay! I am trying to find them on the web, but no luck. I found them again at BJ's. They come thawed and in the section with Crystal light and drink mixes. Oh and they are 40 to 45 calories a pop depending on flavor!

Third, Fruit2O flavored water. Love this stuff, especially Lemon and Grape flavored. http://www.fruit2o.com look under special offers for a coupon.

Fourth, is Unjury Protein. If you drink protein shakes daily, these are wonderful. The flavors are chocolate, strawberry, vanilla, unflavored and chicken soup flavored. I have tried all of them except chicken soup. They do not have the horrible protein smell or after taste. They really are good! http://unjury.com/ Plus this a Virginia based company, which I love! Ordering from them is super fast, I always get my stuff in one day!

and lastly, Special K crackers. These are wonderful! http://www.specialk.com/crackers/multi-grain I like the savory ones dipped in cottage cheese. Yum! 17 crackers is 90 calories and 2gs of fat.

Happy Sunday! I hope everyone enjoys the day!

****Amber Alert*******

I am issuing an Amber Alert, because I finally lost my kids. Now mind you, if you find them, keep 'em they are yours, because baby I ain't carrying them around no more! I FINALLY WEIGH THE SAME AS I DID BEFORE I GOT PREGGO WITH EITHER BAMBINO!!!!! I just took a shot of protein shake in my medicine cup for that one!

Today I am down 18lbs. That is crazy! 18lbs in 20 days! 8lbs of that in 6 days! I do not expect for this to keep on, but I will take it while I can! I do hear stories that TOMORROW (yes, damn right tomorrow) when I eat a little food again, I might gain a few. It will be temporary and it comes from that pesky liver again. It sucks up everything bad for you like fat, cholesterol and sodium and holds on to it, until you assure it there ain't no more holdin' on! Also, tomorrow I get to drive again! Ahhhhhhh haaaaaaaa (did the Heavens just part over your head too?) My big trip? Taking Finn to the sitters and running to the bank.

Only problems today is my left shoulder and side are killing me! This happened in the hospital and for a few days after due to the gas they pump into your abdominal cavity in order to do surgery. It kinda feels like that, but more like when you get a stitch in your side. So I just wish it would go away. Other than that, today is great. More energy (no naps so far!) and I made some Healthy Choice chicken noodle soup for lunch and was able to eat a few of the noodles and most of the carrots. It was crazy to get actual bulk food again. You see, I had been worried that I had some kind of crazy non- working, manufacturer reject band, because I have been so hungry for the last few days. But seeing that about 1/2 cup of soup with a few piece of real food filled me up, makes me believe the people at Lap-Band are in fact not trying to screw me over!

So I thought it might be time for a update.

So far I have lost 16lbs. 10lbs on the liver shrinking diet and 6lbs since the surgery.

How am I feeling?
Quite honestly kinda like crap. I have zero energy. But I am sure that is because I am having trouble getting in the amount of liquid/food the Dr.s want me to. That situation is getting better everyday though and I am able to eat/drink more and more. Peter has reminded me on several occasions that I need to drink more protein. So I am adding protein to my instant breakfast shakes now. Hoping that too will help.
By night walking up the staircase makes me dizzy and just feel weird. I made Sophie some scrambled eggs and a hot dog last night (I know horrible dinner, but it is what I could do) and I swear it almost laid me out! That being said, the dinners my friends have brought to us have been life savers. Poor Peter is running like a mad man to try and be both Liz and Pete. I think he might be ready to just be Pete again!

I have also heard that once I start food, I should expect to possibly gain or not lose weight for a few days. That is because your liver is like a sponge and it sucks up everything it can. Being that I already have a fatty liver (reason for the biopsy) I guess mine really likes to suck!

Also, I never ever thought it would be this hard. I mean I new it would be hard, but I never knew I would miss chewing food, cooking and everything to do with food. I know the most of it is psychological, so I am working through it. I am craving meat. Ham, Fish, Beef, Chicken any of it!!! I am a full believer if you crave something for a long time it is because your body needs it. So maybe I need some iron? Only a few more weeks!

Stay tuned there should be another post this afternoon!

The so inappropriate woman....

So I decided to tell you guys the story of going under the anaesthesia. It is funny I think, but highly non-PC. So be forewarned.

So Haggen-Daz man is wheeling me in the OR and we are chatting about Micheal Jackson and his love of the milk. We get in the room and I have already had the "party juice", so Liz who is already not so PC, goes even further into the realm. I make sure to tell everyone that some highly inappropriate things will probably come out of my mouth. They assure me it will be alright and that they basically love talking to drunk/drugged patients. So they tell me to slide off the hospital bed I am on, to the extremely narrow board like bed with the arms coming off the sides. All I can think of is lethal injections. I swear it looked just like in the movies, I was waiting for them to open a curtain and every person I was ever mean to in High School would be sitting there! So I realize I need to get these thoughts out of my head. I tell them how it is really screwy that the table is so narrow, I mean my skinniest of my friends would have had some side hang. I told them BARIATRIC surgery should equal a big OR table. They just laughed.

Then they velcroed down my arms on the boards coming off the sides of the table. Haggen-Daz asked me if I would like to sit up some and I said "yes". So (and here is the inappropriate part) he starts to automatically lift the entire table up so that my head is being raised. All I could think about was Jesus on the Cross. So I started singing "Jesus Christ Super Star" and proclaiming myself Jesus Christ reincarnated. I know so inappropriate. The next thing I knew Haggen-Daz said he was giving me some fresh air, and I was out. I don't remember counting or anything! I am just sure they were all glad I shut up. I think I might need to go to church now!

Things they are a changing.....

Hello everyone! Wow what a wild ride it has been. The hospital was OK, but I definitely would not like to do it again anytime soon! I got the lap Band and while they were in there they fixed a hernia (which we did not know I had) and took a liver biopsy. Needless to say I feel if I did not have the hernia operation I would be doing a lot better. That thing hurts!

Because of the hernia I am fully aware of anything that tries to go down or up my esophagus, including air. Did I already say it hurts! Moving on, I know it is just a short time until it feels better!

So right now I am living on liquids. Pretty much water, SF Boost or Carnation instant breakfast and LF, low sodium cream of mushroom or chicken soup. Now let me tell you, of those things I eat very little in quantity. I have probably had since Wednesday night around 10pm 15oz of juice, 10oz of soup and 20oz of shakes. CRAZY! Today around lunch I ate/drank about 5 oz of shake, then about 40 minutes later I tried to eat 4 oz of soup and almost threw up from too much food. It will definitely take time to work up to the levels needed to sustain a person. Oh and yes I am not hungry, again crazy! I woke up after sleeping today slightly hungry, but it is cured quickly with like 2oz of something. I also have to drink everything out of a medicine cup (like the one above). It is to make you learn how to sip the right amount and learn portion control, again CRAZY!
So far my only freak out was Friday morning at the hospital. They wanted me to take a percocet tablet instead of morphine through the IV. No problem except I was terrified to swallow the pill. Even chopped into 4 piece it took me 45 minutes to get it down. I was so scared it would get stuck! It didn't but man was I scared. It is starting to hurt when I take them where the hernia was repaired so tonight Pete is going to crush them for me. I also miss chewing food, but I get to chew again on Friday. So no worries.

Funny stuff: The anaesthesia nurse had the nerve to tell me about his Haggen Daz addiction and his love of popcorn as he was prepping me for surgery! I mean the nerve! Then he started talking about Micheal Jackson! OK dude MJ died from anaesthesia! I mean I know he used it wrong, but still you are wheeling me into an operating room and getting ready to put me under! I made sure to tell him I did not want any MJ milk! Thanks for all the love and support! I really love all my friends and family and could NOT do this with them!

So like tomorrow it's kinda a big deal.......

OK tomorrow is the day. I am a bit on edge, not really over the surgery, but because Finn seems to be coming down with something. I too also feel like I might have a mild cold. With that said, prayers that we all wake up OK in the morning and that I am able to get the surgery. I do not want to have to postpone this! I am bringing a laptop, so yep I will be on-line afterwards! I can not wait to blog about my pedicure tonight, oh the comedy!

Vanilla Ice Ice baby

The scale. A tiny little thing in the grand scheme of things. But this tiny little thing is capable of pulling so many emotions from us! If you step on it and the numbers go down then it shear jubilation! Let those numbers go up or even stay the same, then despair.

Earlier in the the week when I stepped on the scale I literally would do a little dance, step off and feel instantly lighter and better about myself. I felt like a 3 Musketeers bar floating around in one of their commercials. Heaven!

The last two days, well I'm ain't dancing a jig, I ain't dancing at all. The scale will not budge! I hate this! I know it is not scientifically possible for the damn thing to not move. I weigh a lot, I eat about 800 calories a day. I should lose some weight! I just checked out www.caloriecontrol.org and found that a person my age, height and body weight needs 2727.4 a day to maintain their current weight.
OK, well it takes a deficit of 3500 calories to lose a pound of fat. So lets do the math here 2727-800=1927. So if my math is right (and if you know me it probably is not) then I should lose at least a pound every two days. Anyways, what I am getting at is I need to CHILL THE &(#$ OUT! I know I suck up water like a sponge and more than likely this is all water and I will wake up in the next few days and BOOM 4lbs will be gone. But man it is hard to not see the scale move. The other reason it is weighing on me, (ha! no pun intended), is the Nurse Practitioner told me she expected me to lose 10lbs. I am almost to 9lbs, with 2 days left. So I am crossing my fingers that I make it. I might try and walk on the treadmill tonight, because food wise there is no more I can do. I am watching sodium, calories, fat, sugar and carbs, so there is really no more to watch food wise.

So for now I will just chill!

Like Whitney, sometimes I too, get emotional...

It hit me, on Thursday I will leave my kiddos and husband behind and give everything over to the skilled hands of my surgeon. After he does his part it is entirely up to me. Whoa that is scary.

I think the the hardest part of this whole thing is more emotional than learning to eat or drink differently. I mean I have to look at all aspects of my life and figure out besides genetics why I am what I am. So let's slowly and gently lift the lid of that box a little bit today.

I sit here writing this while Sophie is napping and Finn is at school. Tears stream down my face as I think of my brother. How did he sneak in here? Well, he is very, very good at it! He sneaks in my head everyday, all day, all the time. I am a member of this weird club. I did not ask for membership, sign up or say a pledge. The club is for the unlucky people who lose someone so very close to them.

I miss him! I miss the way he smells, his humor, his ability to talk me through every situation and give me lots of tough love, most of all I just miss having a brother. He was so damn cool. I mean who gets to say their brother lived in Hawaii, parachutes, is an Iron Man, can own a room with his looks and charm, wears turquoise pants and looks good in them (and was straight to boot).

Losing someone very close to you hurts! It hurts worse than anything you have ever felt in your life and it keeps on hurting for quite a long time. After a while it sort of lets up, but still lets you know its there. I feel it probably will forever. When JR died I had lost 60lbs doing a low carb diet. After he died and for the two weeks we were here in VA and TX, Peter can tell you I did little eating. I cared for mom and dad, handled JR's affairs and funeral arrangements and went back to the hotel every night and cried. I cried like I have never cried before. If I ate I got sick, so I lost even more weight. JR was buried with a letter from me in his breast pocket of his dress blues. In this letter I promised him I would take care of myself. I would get healthy, I would finish losing the weight I had started to lose then. As I write this I weigh 70lbs more than I did the day I wrote that letter. It is time I make good on that promise. I have stumbled down the road, slipped up, fallen down, banged my knee, etc. It is now time to jog down this road. With a good stride, taking in all the scenery, enjoying all the views and looking behind me every now and then for some encouragement.

I have to realize that just like when I quit smoking, no one else can do this for me. I did this to myself I have to fix it myself. I very well may kick and scream along the way. I may try to justify why I *can* eat something or how it won't be that big of a deal. But just remember, the same as at the Zoo......Don't Feed The Animals!

Hot night in little Tokyo

It was 104 steamy disgusting degrees today. Not fit for man nor beast. The gates of Hades literally opened up and swallowed the whole East Coast. I hate summer. Well hate is strong, so I strongly dislike summer. Unless you were near a large body of water today then life kinda probably sucked! Enter stage left, our air conditioner. The wonderful device that makes summer in the South livable. Our often, by our maintenance man, referred to as the worst type you can own and in a few words a piece of shit AC unit. The little engine that just keeps on chugging, the unit that not two weeks ago got a clean bill of health. Well that AC unit as Finn and Pete would put it, is hosed. As I sit here and type this it is 86 degrees in my house at two minutes passed midnight. I am literally using a baby washcloth to swab the sweat off my brow. I tell you all of this so that I can explain the sushi. I love sushi, I love sushi the best that comes from Kona Grill. Tonight after the AC debacle I still had not eaten dinner and I was starving, hot, emotional and done dealing with home problems (in the last month our kitchen has been destroyed and our washing machine has died). I had been thinking of sushi all day, so much so that I googled the nutrition stats of sushi and decided that it really is not bad for you. I even went so far as to justify in my head that since after Thursday I will no longer be able to eat rice, I should be able to eat sushi just one more time. So I did it, I asked the one person in my life who pretty much never tells me no, to get me sushi. And he did (Peter needs a class for enablers). I asked Peter to go to Kona Grill and get me sushi and I ate every last bite! Not a huge amount, much smaller than my previous meals before my unfortunate incarceration into former fatdom. But none the less an item I should not be eating. So here I sit sweating my ass off and holding true to honesty telling my computer and anyone whom cares to read my mistake. I once again used food to sooth an uncomfortable situation. I took control of a situation I had no control over, by controlling what went in my mouth. Next time I should take control by not putting a damn thing in my mouth. Enough Dr. Phil, you get the point. I screwed up, I know I screwed up. So if there was one thing I learned from watching all those G.I. Joe cartoons with my brother, it was "Now you know, and knowing is half the battle". I can now go read my book and go to bed, conscience clear and ready to start a new day.

* Note to self, "Eat, Pray, Love" is a bad choice of books to read when you are getting ready to have WLS.

7/23/10 ~~ 8 days into the liver shrinking diet....

So I am kinda starting this whole blog thing a little late into the game. Let me give you all a little background info into me, the reason I choose Lap Band surgery and where I am in the process.

My name is Liz and I am a food addict. Actually I am very good at doing anything in excess. I can drink like a fish, smoke like a chimney and eat better than Adam Richmond (google him, great show). These 3 things lead me to where I am now, quite frankly a fat ass. I mean lets call a spade a spade, I am a big girl. I was kinda all right with this, until the birth of my second child and thus my second c-section. After that, I was done! I am sick of being a skinny girl stuck in a fat body, or as defined on Urban Dictionary a Stealth Fox. I am sick of being cumbersome.

So back in November I went to my PCP for some ailment and asked about weight loss surgery (from here on referred to as WLS). She gave me the number to a local surgeon. From there I attended a seminar about the different types of surgery available. I learned that I would have to go through 6 consecutive months of counseling with my PCP, a psych eval. (and yes I passed),nutrition counseling and the biggie QUIT SMOKING.

Fast forward to now. I have completed all the above steps, and yes I even quit smoking! That is huge. I love cigarettes, I think there is nothing more appealing than cracking open a fresh box of Marlboro menthol's and lighting up! Add to that drinking while smoking and even better, but wait! Add an awesome meal, suburbly mixed alcoholic beverages and then stepping outside for a Marlboro and HOT DAMN you got something good. I am smiling as I write that! How sick! that was Heaven on a stick for me! Anyways I digress, we should move on.

I am now in the LIVER SHRINKING DIET phase. Guys this sucks! I am like Tommy Lasorta without all the money. I drink 2 shakes (Carnation instant breakfast, sugar free) a day and a 3 oz portion of low fat chicken with a cup of steamed non-starchy veggies. I can have a Dannon Light and Fit yogurt and a 4oz container of 2% Cottage Cheese. That is about it. It equals less than 800 calories a day. The good part is I have lost 8lbs in 8 days, the bad part is I have on several occasions considered eating one of my children. I mean they are cute and usually sweet too. I have to do this diet until 7/29/10, the day of my Lap Band surgery. This diet is necessary to shrink the liver, since the liver lays over the stomach and esophagus. I am hoping to shrink my liver by 40% and give the surgeons more room to move the laproscopic tools around.

I will say this, I feel like if you have not done this 2 week bootcamp of hell then you should not get the surgery. That might be harsh but, so far it has taught me what REAL HUNGER feels like. Not just being bored so I will eat kinda of thing, I mean true hunger. I often think of the people on the show "Survivor" during this. I have no clue how they do the physical challenges. By the end of the day, before I eat dinner I seriously have trouble going to the Grocery store. It has also got me feeling like food is fuel. I kinda of look at my body as a fuel tank now and food as gas. When the tank is empty I stop and give it a little just to make it to the next filling station (a meal). It really is starting to change the way I feel about food. I am reading every label now and in a strange way enjoying searching for good foods that are good for you in the grocery store. I am also eating A LOT more fresh veggies! This is helpful to because I find the chopping of vegetables cathartic, I love the whole process of washing and chopping.

So from here out I am going to keep this blog. It will hopefully help me stay on track. Eventually I will get up the courage to tell you my starting weight and post some pics. I plan on making lots of short term goals instead of saying "I want to lose xyz amount of weight". I know my first goal, and once I reach it I will tell you, because wow, saying it or writing it for the world to hear is just a little overwhelming. But I do want to be honest, so I will do it once I reach it (I am not too far from reaching it now!).