Is that a Seroma on your port or are you just happy to see me......

Cybil Cybil Cybil!  (that's it's name, the band that is). Today I went in for my first post op fill.  I requested it happen under floroscope due to the pain that I am having that is literally keeping me up at night.  I was sure Cybil's counterpart, the port, had flipped.  But no the problem is a seroma and a hematoma.  I guess around the port is a large pocket of fluid (seroma) and a larger bruise (hematoma).  So I was able to get a fill!  Yay! After the needle was removed, a large amount of the seroma's fluid drained too.  So hopefully tonight will be better.  I am supposed to take it easy until Monday, lots of liquid ibuproben and heating pads. 

I am back on the *dun dun dun* dreaded liquid diet. I wish I had the Soup Nazi nearby! But I am excited about this in a way, because starting Sunday when I advance to the soft mushy stage I am going to start measuring in my little 4 oz cup.  I NEVER measured before (shhhhhhh don't tell). Hopefully this will lead to more weight loss as I have basically been at a stand still for a month and half trying to get Cybil fixed.   I found this great blog today, http://www.bandfriendlyrecipes.com can't wait to try some of their recipes and tips. 

That's about it for now.  I will let you know when I lose some more!

Grow up little girl!

You know things, life,people etc we are all funny.  In your 20's you think you own the world.  You know more than anyone else, you DESERVE everything, you WANT everything, and no one can tell you anything differenet.  You come into your 30's learning more about yourself.  At least I have.  I figured out my temper and how to more or less control it.  I know my fears, my boundaries, some of my limitations, lots of my short comings, things I soar at accomplishing and in general what I want out of this period in my life.

  I am able to wake up and say I am thankful for my children, which I am  literally brought to tears when I think of how strong my love is for them and what they mean to me.  I am thankful for a husband who for all my faults lets me be me and loves me for just that.  Parents who have an undying love for my children and WANT them around constantly.  My friends who are amazing, fun and loving.  I truly can say I have my best friend now and I know we will still be causing trouble together in our 80's! There really and truly is nothing to complain about in my life and for that I am thankful.
I guess what I am trying to say is looking back over the last year, I have learned a lot about Liz and I really do like the Liz that is here now. 

I have thought about all of this a great deal lately but today I decided to write about because of 3 strangers.  Today is the first day I could drive! (Yay!) and the first day of very little pain (Yay! again).  So I was out in Short Pump at Home Goods looking for stuff for our dining room redo.  While loading the couple of things I found into the back of my car a girl pulled up beside me and said, "Excuse me, I just have to tell you I love your boots!  Where did you get them?" I told her and then she said, "You are just so put together, your whole ensemble, I can just tell you love to shop and you look great!"  I thanked her and we went our separate ways.  I was floored!  I left the house today wearing a dress I was going to return because its too big.  I wore it thinking it would be comfy on my tummy.  My hair in my eyes, looked bad.  Yes, I do think my boots are cute, but in general it was an "I feel gross day".  So her saying that got me thinking, wow people really do see me differently then I see myself. So off I went to Trader Joe's.  As I was getting a cart there was a worker straightening them and he said.  "I love your boots, you look great!" I thanked him and said "Wow twice in 20 minutes!"  Then while shopping a lady was walking by me and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Great dress". I literally could have skipped through the store on clouds!
But besides these 3 strangers making my day, they also taught me a big lesson.  People really do look at me differently then I look at myself!  I need to realize I no longer look like the Liz of 5 months ago and 63 lbs heavier!  (Yep, guys I lost the 5lbs pounds I gained over the holiday and with the band not working.! Woot woot I am back to pre-holiday weight even with the surgery swelling)

So pay a stranger a compliment, you never know how much you will make their day!

P.S here is the boots and dress

but my dress is chocolate brown

If I knew then what I know now.......

I might have just tried a bit harder to be happy with Liz.  I mean how bad was I? I really only did things that hurt myself, no one else.  I in general made people laugh, took care of my family, left no debt on society, I was just fat.  But I could not deal with that, so I went and did this radical surgery, which is now kicking me in the butt.  It really has me thinking now that I sit here in pain, 2 surgeries  within almost exactly 5 months. 

Here were my reasons for doing it:
*I was at my biggest ever, super uncomfortable and in pain nightly from planter fascitus, back, knee and hips.  It was getting to the point of needing a cane.  I was 33 stuck in what felt like a 70 year old's body.
*Diets have never worked for me, and I felt like I would always eat my way back from any weight loss, I had proven that to be true my whole life.
*I wanted to fit into society better, dress better, enjoy life more.

Most of those reasons seemed justified, and most of those have been rectified with just the loss of 60lbs.  Which is wonderful!  I am highly greatful and still astonished daily by it.  But.....

I am very mad at myself for putting my body through utter hell.  Lets face it I have lost 60lbs, but also 1/2 of my hair (no joke it still comes out in handfuls), my liver hates what I am doing to it (which I suspect my alcohol consumption does not help), I have now put my body through 2 major surgeries.  I mean the whole thing is just ridiculous.  So here we go again.  3rd chance to do this, I really hope I  can grasp this thing and do it right.  I have decided to look into over-eaters anonymous, there is a meeting at Retreat hospital weekly so I think once I am up and moving better I will go.  I mean lets face it, I got a problem.  At this point I feel its no different than and alcoholic or heroin addict, except I have to eat to live.  That last part makes this whole thing a bit harder. 

So here is my plan for success:

*keep writing in my blog, being honest on here keeps me accountable
*Attend meetings for over-eaters anonymous
*I drink way too much in my eyes, so I am putting it down.  Special occasions only, Birthday, Holiday etc.  Not any night I feel. 
*Slow down and enjoy every bit of food, not inhale it.
* Understand I am not entitled to anything, everything is a gift and should be treated that way

Hopefully I will solve this problem once and for all.


Now I wanted to address a question I get asked a lot. "Should I/my friend/my relative have this surgery?"  That is so hard to answer.  I will say, it is not a magic bullet.  You have to work with it and it is very easy to work against it.  Research your surgeon! You may honestly (excuse the pun) feel like their cash cow.  Know your options! Realize that yes you will more than likely lose you hair, and that trust me is harder to deal with than it seems.  Go to a support group or find one on-line.  I only heard sunshine and roses until I started looking on-line and at that point it was too late.  I did not look on-line because I was specifically told by my surgeon not too!  Flashing neon light now! But when you are desperate you will do things.  Also, if anyone wants to talk to me about it, PLEASE feel free to send them my way.  While I thankful for this surgery I have learned a lot since the first incision!

Overview of Thursday 12/30

I was told to be at the hospital at 7:30 for surgery.  Which after many phone calls to make sure it was correct was supposed to be a port revision and diagnostic exploratory surgery done under a scope.  I get into pre-op and the orders are written wrong, port revision open.  Meaning no finding out what was causing so much pain and no laproscopic surgery.  After somewhat arguing with the Dr and insurance I was taken in at 8:30 for the CORRECT surgery.  I explained to the nurse I could be her easiest or hardest patient.  It all depended on if they did the right one.  I ended up being her easiest!  I will say that I was much more subdued this time, no Jesus Christ superstar, no highly inappropriate comments.  It might have helped that a childhood friends mother was one of my nurses and I was *trying* to be good.  I do however seem to think of Michael Jackson while on Operating tables.  The last thing the Anesthesiologist said to me was you may experience chest and arm pain but it will go away and you will fall asleep.  I remembered watching a 20/20 where the reporter was put under using the same "milk" MJ preferred.  He has really bad pain, but did not remember it.  I remember thinking I should speak up and tell them "no milk", but then I was asleep before I could say anything.

I woke up to my first thoughts and words being of pain.  I remember telling them that I was in a great deal of pain, and getting a good deal of morphine.  I went into recovery and literally was in our car within 1 1/2 hours.

What they found:  yes the port was completely flipped and floating around, that was fixed.  I also had a lot of "adhesion's" or scar tissue.  Some of that was attached to the tubing causes pulling and tenting.  Which was probably the cause of my pain.  Also, they did another liver biopsy.  I could not really get a straight answer about this except that he did not like the way it looked, and was/is somewhat afraid my liver is not handling the rate of weight loss well.  Makes sense to me since it seems the rest of me really is not either.

This surgery has been by far the worst surgery I have ever had.  The pain is intense and hard to deal with.  I normally do not take pain killers once I get home from surgery, but with this one I am taking double doses.  They used most of the same incision points as last time, except they also went into my belly button, lovely! I am as expected very swollen and where my stomach had become very fleshy and soft it is not rock hard and swollen.  I have graduated from liquids to soft and mushy foods, and the scale is showing me that even though I am swollen and water logged, I believe I have lost the holiday/port not working weight.  Honestly not too much of a concern to me right now.  The Dr. left my band open with no fluid.  He told me I could come in this week and he would fill it, no thanks.  Stick a needle in there right now and I might sock you! So I will call later in the week to make my 2 week follow up and go from there.  Honestly I am not that hungry and it really is not bothering me much.

Pain currently is awful, but it really is not from an incision, it is from the CO2 they fill your abdominal cavity with to give the scopes room to move.  It gets trapped in your back, abdomen and shoulders and it hurts like hell.  I am trying to walk around and do light cleaning as this is supposed to help, but I can't see where it does.  This by far is the worst part of laproscopic surgery in my eyes.

So that's where I stand, I am going to write another post now about other things.......