If I knew then what I know now.......

I might have just tried a bit harder to be happy with Liz.  I mean how bad was I? I really only did things that hurt myself, no one else.  I in general made people laugh, took care of my family, left no debt on society, I was just fat.  But I could not deal with that, so I went and did this radical surgery, which is now kicking me in the butt.  It really has me thinking now that I sit here in pain, 2 surgeries  within almost exactly 5 months. 

Here were my reasons for doing it:
*I was at my biggest ever, super uncomfortable and in pain nightly from planter fascitus, back, knee and hips.  It was getting to the point of needing a cane.  I was 33 stuck in what felt like a 70 year old's body.
*Diets have never worked for me, and I felt like I would always eat my way back from any weight loss, I had proven that to be true my whole life.
*I wanted to fit into society better, dress better, enjoy life more.

Most of those reasons seemed justified, and most of those have been rectified with just the loss of 60lbs.  Which is wonderful!  I am highly greatful and still astonished daily by it.  But.....

I am very mad at myself for putting my body through utter hell.  Lets face it I have lost 60lbs, but also 1/2 of my hair (no joke it still comes out in handfuls), my liver hates what I am doing to it (which I suspect my alcohol consumption does not help), I have now put my body through 2 major surgeries.  I mean the whole thing is just ridiculous.  So here we go again.  3rd chance to do this, I really hope I  can grasp this thing and do it right.  I have decided to look into over-eaters anonymous, there is a meeting at Retreat hospital weekly so I think once I am up and moving better I will go.  I mean lets face it, I got a problem.  At this point I feel its no different than and alcoholic or heroin addict, except I have to eat to live.  That last part makes this whole thing a bit harder. 

So here is my plan for success:

*keep writing in my blog, being honest on here keeps me accountable
*Attend meetings for over-eaters anonymous
*I drink way too much in my eyes, so I am putting it down.  Special occasions only, Birthday, Holiday etc.  Not any night I feel. 
*Slow down and enjoy every bit of food, not inhale it.
* Understand I am not entitled to anything, everything is a gift and should be treated that way

Hopefully I will solve this problem once and for all.


Now I wanted to address a question I get asked a lot. "Should I/my friend/my relative have this surgery?"  That is so hard to answer.  I will say, it is not a magic bullet.  You have to work with it and it is very easy to work against it.  Research your surgeon! You may honestly (excuse the pun) feel like their cash cow.  Know your options! Realize that yes you will more than likely lose you hair, and that trust me is harder to deal with than it seems.  Go to a support group or find one on-line.  I only heard sunshine and roses until I started looking on-line and at that point it was too late.  I did not look on-line because I was specifically told by my surgeon not too!  Flashing neon light now! But when you are desperate you will do things.  Also, if anyone wants to talk to me about it, PLEASE feel free to send them my way.  While I thankful for this surgery I have learned a lot since the first incision!