Like Whitney, sometimes I too, get emotional...

It hit me, on Thursday I will leave my kiddos and husband behind and give everything over to the skilled hands of my surgeon. After he does his part it is entirely up to me. Whoa that is scary.

I think the the hardest part of this whole thing is more emotional than learning to eat or drink differently. I mean I have to look at all aspects of my life and figure out besides genetics why I am what I am. So let's slowly and gently lift the lid of that box a little bit today.

I sit here writing this while Sophie is napping and Finn is at school. Tears stream down my face as I think of my brother. How did he sneak in here? Well, he is very, very good at it! He sneaks in my head everyday, all day, all the time. I am a member of this weird club. I did not ask for membership, sign up or say a pledge. The club is for the unlucky people who lose someone so very close to them.

I miss him! I miss the way he smells, his humor, his ability to talk me through every situation and give me lots of tough love, most of all I just miss having a brother. He was so damn cool. I mean who gets to say their brother lived in Hawaii, parachutes, is an Iron Man, can own a room with his looks and charm, wears turquoise pants and looks good in them (and was straight to boot).

Losing someone very close to you hurts! It hurts worse than anything you have ever felt in your life and it keeps on hurting for quite a long time. After a while it sort of lets up, but still lets you know its there. I feel it probably will forever. When JR died I had lost 60lbs doing a low carb diet. After he died and for the two weeks we were here in VA and TX, Peter can tell you I did little eating. I cared for mom and dad, handled JR's affairs and funeral arrangements and went back to the hotel every night and cried. I cried like I have never cried before. If I ate I got sick, so I lost even more weight. JR was buried with a letter from me in his breast pocket of his dress blues. In this letter I promised him I would take care of myself. I would get healthy, I would finish losing the weight I had started to lose then. As I write this I weigh 70lbs more than I did the day I wrote that letter. It is time I make good on that promise. I have stumbled down the road, slipped up, fallen down, banged my knee, etc. It is now time to jog down this road. With a good stride, taking in all the scenery, enjoying all the views and looking behind me every now and then for some encouragement.

I have to realize that just like when I quit smoking, no one else can do this for me. I did this to myself I have to fix it myself. I very well may kick and scream along the way. I may try to justify why I *can* eat something or how it won't be that big of a deal. But just remember, the same as at the Zoo......Don't Feed The Animals!