Damn you Cybil!

Cybil, Cybil, Cybil oh the problems you cause.  I am tired of chewing my food to oblivion only to watch you do the esphogial tango with it!  The throwing-up, the pain, really Cybil is it necessary?  I ask you, have I not been good to you? I have eaten Hot and Sour soup for 5 dinners in a row to give you a break, was that not enough?  Let me remind you that I am uncertain of half of the things that were floating in that soup dear Cybil.  Now Cybil my husband is bringing me a Mediterranean wrap from Jason's Deli in about an hour.  Can you please please please let me digest it.  I have eaten only a 1/4 of a Smart One's lunch today and a skinny Starbucks, I cut all the grass, I took care of 2 kids, I need some damn calories!!!!! So please don't get your panties in a wad when you see tiny pieces of turkey and humus!  I am strongly thinking about making  an appointment dear Cybil to have some fluid removed from you if you do not straighten up!

Now that I have spoken to Cybil, I will speak to you guys!  (OK I feel a tad Charlie Sheen with that)  Things are good.  Dear Cybil digests carbohydrates very well (baked potatoes, crackers, cereal), which lead to a bit of higher calorie eating  (still in small amounts).  This caused me to loss and gain the same 2 lbs for about a month, but I made Cybil my bitch and got it back to where it needs to go.  I think I am in a rhythm again and feel like the weight will start to come off again. The great news is this last month did not completely freak me out.  I was OK with it.  I feel like such a tremendous weight loss done this fast needs a break every once in a while.  My poor skin sure thinks so, as it is definatly showing the effects of this last 8 months.  I would still like to be at 100lbs lost by July 29th, so I better get my butt into the gym!  I feel like every morning something comes up, the house needs cleaning, a kid is sick, I am sick, I have something to do with the search for a new house, etc. (Oh yeah, did I mention we are trying to get out of suburban hell?  Makes you want to rent my house right?)  But I know I will find my rhythm with the gym too.  Once I do I tend to turn into a gym junkie.  It will happen! 

Tonight I did the arduous task that starts every Spring, cutting the grass.  My allergies hated it!  But I love the way the yard looks when it is cut.  I decided today to don a pair of pre-weight loss shorts.  I put them on and they were very loose but stayed up so I went for it, they were all I had.  Well, I had to stop the lawn mower a million times to pull them up.  The weight of my iPhone in my pocket was pulling them down.  I felt like one of those kids my mother was describing to me today over the phone.  She was sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot waiting on my dad, and said " This kid just got out of his car and I can see his underwear."  I told her that is how kids wear their pants now a days.  Two minutes later she said " I can see his ass, I swear his jeans are around his hips."  Now if you know my mother, those are not direct qoutes!  But I did feel like that, so I just headed over to Land's End and ordered some clothes for Spring/Summer. I cleaned out the closet this weekend and gave away 3 bags of clothes that were too big!  Happy Spring Ya'll!  18 days until I head to Vegas!

Tigers and warlocks and gods, Oh My!

So after a few tempestuous weeks, I can gladly say, "I am back!" I am not only back but I am better than ever.  Now I will not say I am a warlock, or drinking tiger blood or that I even have Gods living with me, but I do feel new and improved.  Lots of loose ends in my life are coming together, my family is on the road to health and healing and man it feels good! 

I have committed myself back to weight loss, not that I ever really forgot about it.  I just realized other aspects of my life were more pressing.  I am happy to say I hit 239 this morning!  Can I get a collective WHOOO HOOOO! That's a total of 73lbs! I love seeing the scale drop down to a new set of 10's! It's like a new goal starts every time that happens, now I am on a push to see the 220's.  My band that was way too tight has now simmered down and I am able to live with it.  I will say I do throw up more now (TMI I know but hey this blog is honest) but I am learning the triggers that cause it.  I am eating slower, smaller bites now.  I think I finally got how to eat with this band.  It was a struggle, but one I am happy I kept with. 

Wow what a crazy 7 months!  I am ready for Spring, why? Because none of my pants fit!

My basket is full...

Just a quick update, well not really but.......  Lots of stuff going on in my life that is putting weight loss to the back burner.  I have not updated here, because well, I have literally not had the mental energy.  I will be back soon with hopefully everything in my life somewhat in place. 

MJ Tourettes?

My friend just sent me this link, because it reminded her of me.  I think its true, I have pre-surgery Michael Jackson Tourettes syndrome. 

Brazilian Taxi Driver Contracts Michael Jackson Tourette’s Syndrome

By Michelle Collins

A new disease is spreading in the Southern Hemisphere of this Earth. A disease so debilitating, it can strike up without warning and take hold of even the most innocent of humans. And once it gets hold of you, that’s it. There is no cure. I refer of course to Michael Jackson Tourettes Syndrome. The latest victim? An innocent cab driver found in Brazil.
Take a look at this home video footage and pray that you and your family aren’t infected:

Some ways that you can prevent catching Michael Jackson Tourette’s? Stay indoors after sundown. Wash the hands of your children when they get home from school. Train your dogs to make inside the house. Get your car washed – Shamone! Come on ya! – oh God, sorry, hold on a second — Hee-heeeeee*cough* — Oh no, God, SHAMONE, God no. It’s happening… It’s — Whoo! — I — SHA.. SHA… Call 911. It’s here. *RIPS VEST OPEN* *JUMPS ON CAR* *GLASS BREAKS* *MACAULAY CULKIN STARTS TO RAP* 
******taken from www.bestweekever.tv**********

Is that a Seroma on your port or are you just happy to see me......

Cybil Cybil Cybil!  (that's it's name, the band that is). Today I went in for my first post op fill.  I requested it happen under floroscope due to the pain that I am having that is literally keeping me up at night.  I was sure Cybil's counterpart, the port, had flipped.  But no the problem is a seroma and a hematoma.  I guess around the port is a large pocket of fluid (seroma) and a larger bruise (hematoma).  So I was able to get a fill!  Yay! After the needle was removed, a large amount of the seroma's fluid drained too.  So hopefully tonight will be better.  I am supposed to take it easy until Monday, lots of liquid ibuproben and heating pads. 

I am back on the *dun dun dun* dreaded liquid diet. I wish I had the Soup Nazi nearby! But I am excited about this in a way, because starting Sunday when I advance to the soft mushy stage I am going to start measuring in my little 4 oz cup.  I NEVER measured before (shhhhhhh don't tell). Hopefully this will lead to more weight loss as I have basically been at a stand still for a month and half trying to get Cybil fixed.   I found this great blog today, http://www.bandfriendlyrecipes.com can't wait to try some of their recipes and tips. 

That's about it for now.  I will let you know when I lose some more!

Grow up little girl!

You know things, life,people etc we are all funny.  In your 20's you think you own the world.  You know more than anyone else, you DESERVE everything, you WANT everything, and no one can tell you anything differenet.  You come into your 30's learning more about yourself.  At least I have.  I figured out my temper and how to more or less control it.  I know my fears, my boundaries, some of my limitations, lots of my short comings, things I soar at accomplishing and in general what I want out of this period in my life.

  I am able to wake up and say I am thankful for my children, which I am  literally brought to tears when I think of how strong my love is for them and what they mean to me.  I am thankful for a husband who for all my faults lets me be me and loves me for just that.  Parents who have an undying love for my children and WANT them around constantly.  My friends who are amazing, fun and loving.  I truly can say I have my best friend now and I know we will still be causing trouble together in our 80's! There really and truly is nothing to complain about in my life and for that I am thankful.
I guess what I am trying to say is looking back over the last year, I have learned a lot about Liz and I really do like the Liz that is here now. 

I have thought about all of this a great deal lately but today I decided to write about because of 3 strangers.  Today is the first day I could drive! (Yay!) and the first day of very little pain (Yay! again).  So I was out in Short Pump at Home Goods looking for stuff for our dining room redo.  While loading the couple of things I found into the back of my car a girl pulled up beside me and said, "Excuse me, I just have to tell you I love your boots!  Where did you get them?" I told her and then she said, "You are just so put together, your whole ensemble, I can just tell you love to shop and you look great!"  I thanked her and we went our separate ways.  I was floored!  I left the house today wearing a dress I was going to return because its too big.  I wore it thinking it would be comfy on my tummy.  My hair in my eyes, looked bad.  Yes, I do think my boots are cute, but in general it was an "I feel gross day".  So her saying that got me thinking, wow people really do see me differently then I see myself. So off I went to Trader Joe's.  As I was getting a cart there was a worker straightening them and he said.  "I love your boots, you look great!" I thanked him and said "Wow twice in 20 minutes!"  Then while shopping a lady was walking by me and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Great dress". I literally could have skipped through the store on clouds!
But besides these 3 strangers making my day, they also taught me a big lesson.  People really do look at me differently then I look at myself!  I need to realize I no longer look like the Liz of 5 months ago and 63 lbs heavier!  (Yep, guys I lost the 5lbs pounds I gained over the holiday and with the band not working.! Woot woot I am back to pre-holiday weight even with the surgery swelling)

So pay a stranger a compliment, you never know how much you will make their day!

P.S here is the boots and dress

but my dress is chocolate brown

If I knew then what I know now.......

I might have just tried a bit harder to be happy with Liz.  I mean how bad was I? I really only did things that hurt myself, no one else.  I in general made people laugh, took care of my family, left no debt on society, I was just fat.  But I could not deal with that, so I went and did this radical surgery, which is now kicking me in the butt.  It really has me thinking now that I sit here in pain, 2 surgeries  within almost exactly 5 months. 

Here were my reasons for doing it:
*I was at my biggest ever, super uncomfortable and in pain nightly from planter fascitus, back, knee and hips.  It was getting to the point of needing a cane.  I was 33 stuck in what felt like a 70 year old's body.
*Diets have never worked for me, and I felt like I would always eat my way back from any weight loss, I had proven that to be true my whole life.
*I wanted to fit into society better, dress better, enjoy life more.

Most of those reasons seemed justified, and most of those have been rectified with just the loss of 60lbs.  Which is wonderful!  I am highly greatful and still astonished daily by it.  But.....

I am very mad at myself for putting my body through utter hell.  Lets face it I have lost 60lbs, but also 1/2 of my hair (no joke it still comes out in handfuls), my liver hates what I am doing to it (which I suspect my alcohol consumption does not help), I have now put my body through 2 major surgeries.  I mean the whole thing is just ridiculous.  So here we go again.  3rd chance to do this, I really hope I  can grasp this thing and do it right.  I have decided to look into over-eaters anonymous, there is a meeting at Retreat hospital weekly so I think once I am up and moving better I will go.  I mean lets face it, I got a problem.  At this point I feel its no different than and alcoholic or heroin addict, except I have to eat to live.  That last part makes this whole thing a bit harder. 

So here is my plan for success:

*keep writing in my blog, being honest on here keeps me accountable
*Attend meetings for over-eaters anonymous
*I drink way too much in my eyes, so I am putting it down.  Special occasions only, Birthday, Holiday etc.  Not any night I feel. 
*Slow down and enjoy every bit of food, not inhale it.
* Understand I am not entitled to anything, everything is a gift and should be treated that way

Hopefully I will solve this problem once and for all.


Now I wanted to address a question I get asked a lot. "Should I/my friend/my relative have this surgery?"  That is so hard to answer.  I will say, it is not a magic bullet.  You have to work with it and it is very easy to work against it.  Research your surgeon! You may honestly (excuse the pun) feel like their cash cow.  Know your options! Realize that yes you will more than likely lose you hair, and that trust me is harder to deal with than it seems.  Go to a support group or find one on-line.  I only heard sunshine and roses until I started looking on-line and at that point it was too late.  I did not look on-line because I was specifically told by my surgeon not too!  Flashing neon light now! But when you are desperate you will do things.  Also, if anyone wants to talk to me about it, PLEASE feel free to send them my way.  While I thankful for this surgery I have learned a lot since the first incision!