Overview of Thursday 12/30

I was told to be at the hospital at 7:30 for surgery.  Which after many phone calls to make sure it was correct was supposed to be a port revision and diagnostic exploratory surgery done under a scope.  I get into pre-op and the orders are written wrong, port revision open.  Meaning no finding out what was causing so much pain and no laproscopic surgery.  After somewhat arguing with the Dr and insurance I was taken in at 8:30 for the CORRECT surgery.  I explained to the nurse I could be her easiest or hardest patient.  It all depended on if they did the right one.  I ended up being her easiest!  I will say that I was much more subdued this time, no Jesus Christ superstar, no highly inappropriate comments.  It might have helped that a childhood friends mother was one of my nurses and I was *trying* to be good.  I do however seem to think of Michael Jackson while on Operating tables.  The last thing the Anesthesiologist said to me was you may experience chest and arm pain but it will go away and you will fall asleep.  I remembered watching a 20/20 where the reporter was put under using the same "milk" MJ preferred.  He has really bad pain, but did not remember it.  I remember thinking I should speak up and tell them "no milk", but then I was asleep before I could say anything.

I woke up to my first thoughts and words being of pain.  I remember telling them that I was in a great deal of pain, and getting a good deal of morphine.  I went into recovery and literally was in our car within 1 1/2 hours.

What they found:  yes the port was completely flipped and floating around, that was fixed.  I also had a lot of "adhesion's" or scar tissue.  Some of that was attached to the tubing causes pulling and tenting.  Which was probably the cause of my pain.  Also, they did another liver biopsy.  I could not really get a straight answer about this except that he did not like the way it looked, and was/is somewhat afraid my liver is not handling the rate of weight loss well.  Makes sense to me since it seems the rest of me really is not either.

This surgery has been by far the worst surgery I have ever had.  The pain is intense and hard to deal with.  I normally do not take pain killers once I get home from surgery, but with this one I am taking double doses.  They used most of the same incision points as last time, except they also went into my belly button, lovely! I am as expected very swollen and where my stomach had become very fleshy and soft it is not rock hard and swollen.  I have graduated from liquids to soft and mushy foods, and the scale is showing me that even though I am swollen and water logged, I believe I have lost the holiday/port not working weight.  Honestly not too much of a concern to me right now.  The Dr. left my band open with no fluid.  He told me I could come in this week and he would fill it, no thanks.  Stick a needle in there right now and I might sock you! So I will call later in the week to make my 2 week follow up and go from there.  Honestly I am not that hungry and it really is not bothering me much.

Pain currently is awful, but it really is not from an incision, it is from the CO2 they fill your abdominal cavity with to give the scopes room to move.  It gets trapped in your back, abdomen and shoulders and it hurts like hell.  I am trying to walk around and do light cleaning as this is supposed to help, but I can't see where it does.  This by far is the worst part of laproscopic surgery in my eyes.

So that's where I stand, I am going to write another post now about other things.......

It's not a band, it's a person?

So last night I had a reality check.  I decided that I *deserved* to do what I want. Why? Because at times when things get hard I throw a little temper tantrum.  Such is last night.  I mentioned to Peter that McDonalds would taste so good. (Poor man, if he had said, "nah, I'm not feeling it." I would have annihilated him.) So on his way home from working last night  he grabbed a cheeseburger and small fries for me. Me, who will here further be referred to as "Dumbass". Three bites into the cheeseburger and Dumbass had a problem.  STUCK!  Well hello Dumbass, you have not ate bread in months, much less dry, shitty meat, big wonder that it was stuck.  So after 1/2 an hour of spitting up my saliva, because I literally could not swallow it and moaning in pain and walking the floors it finally went down.  So why is this called reality check? Because Dumbass needed one.  Dumbass needed to realize that even though the band is not working properly for her right now, it is still there.  Dumbass needed to feel a little pain and realize that even though things are not going as planned they are still going and she needs to still follow the plan.So while in the next month I may not lose any weight, I am still in the same boat.  The band is there, it's not going anywhere.  I signed up for this, no carbonation (amazingly easy so far), no bread, no steak, no rice, no big bites, no eating too fast.

Other things I was thinking about while trying to fall asleep last night, people in the band world refer to this thing like a person.  "So how are you liking your band?"  "What would you do if you lost your band today?"  "Do you love your band?"  "The band is great isn't it?"  So while yes, in general I like my band, I love my results so far, no I would not want to lose my band, etc. I still think it is just a piece of plastic (medical grade, but plastic).  So in order to cheer the mood I was thinking of asking for naming options for the band.  I mean, yes it is ridiculous, but funny.  People name their cars, can't I name my band?  It needs something that fits it's personality.   Slightly edgy, cutting edge, giving and yet needy at the same time. It must be expensive sounding too.  As it is only a small amount plastic and metal, but very expensive.  Also, no fat girl names like Gertrude or Fanny, this bitch is skinny! So post your name suggestions, come on it will be fun!

Old and creaky.......

That's how I feel, old and creaky.  The pain comes and goes.  I can go from doubled over to just fine in a matter of seconds.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, but sitting still seems to be the least painful way to go.  But for me and my lifestyle sitting still really doesn't work well.  I did go grocery shopping today, I just didn't unload them.  I cleaned up the house, just not the way I usually do.  One thing we are going to do is have a cleaning lady come in weekly through the end of January.  I did put the tree up last night, I just took it slow.  I try not to pick up Sophie very much  or do so from a sitting position.  So, in general I am just taking it as easy as my life allows.  I have already laid down the law about life for the month after surgery.  Momma is not doing anything.  Finn will go to Goddard full-time after PEDD for the month, and Sophie will be with mom. Pete will become re-acquainted with cleaning products and a broom. So other than that I will just need to make myself SIT STILL! Please Lord let there be lots of Real Housewives marathons on Bravo that month!

Now for the why this might have happen theory..... The port is/was attatched to the muscle.  Well, from what I have read, the muscles are even covered in some fat. As I lose weight, I also lose fat around organs and muscle too.  If the port was attached to a rather fatty place, then as the fat melted the port became looser and looser and just undid itself.  As far as why the tubing migrated, I have no idea!?

Other things that are still going on, HAIR LOSS!  Good Lord, this has got to stop soon.  Again, Thank God I had tons of hair before all of this! I will estimate I have lost close to 50% of my hair at this point.  I am taking lots of B complex and Biotin, I also started to use Nioxin.  Hopefully it will stop soon.  I am optimistic it will!

Now for happy stuff.  I have had a blast lately buying new clothes and just enjoying putting on make-up, getting dressed and looking nice.  What a great feeling!  I had totally lost all of that before.  I dreaded getting dressed and hardly wore make-up.  I am down from a size 30 to a 22 and sometimes a 20.  Psychologically it is hard to get myself to buy those sizes.  I am still trying to take 28's into the dressing room!  I got fitted for a bra the other day and I should wear a 40C, my stupid tail still bought a 42C.;  Baby steps, baby steps.

Well, well, well

First let me start by saying this, AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My port is completely flipped and detached from the muscle!  Also, I have been dealing with a horrific pain in my side, this pain feels like a bad cramp after running, times 10.  The Dr. looked on the image and saw that my tubing has migrated over to the area where I am feeling the pain.  Which is directly to the left of my port and over about 2 inches.  He thinks the tubing has done one or all of three things, 1) attached to the muscle, 2) attached to my pancreas or 3) is lodged between the muscle.  The only way to find out is exploratory surgery.  So instead of just a quick in and out port fix under twilight anesthesia, I now have to go through another laprascopic surgery with full anesthesia on Dec 30th. The findings will tell us how long I am in the hospital for.  So needless to say I am pissed, upset and completely dumbfounded! I am also upset that I will be in pain until the 30th.  Needless to say this New Years will blow!~  Well off to cancel our sitter!

Which one do you want first? The good or the bad?

Let's start with the good.  Yesterday at the Doctor I weighed 252, tada I have lost 60 lbs!

Now for the bad.....I went for a fill yesterday as I badly needed one.  I knew the minute Erin stuck the needle in there was a problem.  She had the needle in my skin and kept "fishing" around with it.  Highly unusual, highly painful!  I could feel what I can only describe as the needle scratching against plastic, a truly weird sensation.  After a couple of minutes of me doing sit ups, relaxing, sits up again, Erin removed the needle and said she did not get it.  So we tried doing it with me standing up.  That involved another nurse in the room with smelling salts at the stand by.  Very painful again, lots of scratching and searching and again nothing.  So she removed the needle and tried again.  Again very painful, with lots of pushing this time.  Nothing!  At this point I am getting worried because Erin is a PRO! She is known for her fillin' abilities and lack of a miss-fire!  So she leaves the room and comes back with Dr. Schroder the other surgeon in the practice, he tries, NOTHING! He asks for a smaller needle and promises this one will not hurt as bad.  It did not with the initial piercing, but then he decided I have tons of scar tissue he need to push through.  Holy mother of God! Then I can feel the needle scratching plastic again.  He tries one more time with a new "realize" set-up. Same results as all the others.  He looks at me and asks "Has anything happened to your port"?  ummmm no!  He hypothesizes that one of three things has happened: 1) I have tons of scar tissue and he can not get through it 2) the port tilted 3) the port flipped over and the back of the port is presenting to the needle.

Let's discuss this .  I chose the Allergan - Lap Band  band due to its port.  It was reported to be easier to fill, higher profile and less chance of movement  and flipping!  He said if it flipped I will be his first patient ever. That usually after 6 weeks it is in place and good. So I go back Friday to go under Floroscope with the Dr. Schroder and see whats going on.  I am praying for scar tissue or tilted port.  Those we can work with, flipped port means ANOTHER surgery!

This is a picture of the Lap-Band, the port is circular thing at the end of the tubing right above this sentence.  The dark grey piece is where the needle needs to puncture.  Usually when that happens I can feel a "pop".

Once the Dr. left the room, I asked Erin if I would have felt the port flip, she said not necessarily. I told her I get really really bad craps on that side (I have one now) and they go on for hours. She said some patients do.

Guys I am really worried.  I do not want to go through surgery again, this one *I* think would be worse too, because they have to cut this thing out of the muscle and reattach it. Plus Peter and I have been hammered with bills lately and depending if the surgery happens before Jan 1 or not, it will cost us anywhere between $2800 and $5000.  Arrghhh, I know I am worrying before knowing, but if you know me, that's me. So any prayers, good thought, positive vibes, etc would be greatly appreciated!

Dreams.....

Dreaming is such a surreal experience.  Consisting of vivid, emotional pictures and feelings that some times make no sense.  Some times we dream in short little spurts, or none at all.  But other times we have those dreams that seem to go through the entire night. Even after slightly waking to roll over or adjust in the bed, the dream continues.  At least that was my experience last night.

My dream last night was similar to one I used to have consistently for many years after the death of my brother.  Tortuous dreams, consisting of bits of reality and pieces of nonsense. Yet parts of it made me long for it to never stop.  Parts of it made life feel like it used to, he was alive, smiling, handsome as ever and happy. These dreams are so realistic that they envelop all of my senses.  I swear I can even smell him during the dreams.  Last nights dream started so nice and happy and ended again in torture.  There was no one scene I can pinpoint from the beginning of the dream, just warm and happy feelings and knowing he was alive and OK.  Talking to him, being brother and sister again, surrounded by love and warmth. Then the war happened.  The military showing up again saying this time he was only "wounded" but no more.  Days of wondering what happened and the honest feeling of terror while sleeping.  Then calm happened again, JR showed up at my door and he was fine, whole and amazed to find that I would not let him go.  He explained he had just gotten in a small scuffle and showed me he had not a scratch on his body.  All I could do was cry and try to explain to him he was already dead. Then my daughter woke up and pulled me out of hell.  This dream was so realistic that at 4am while searching on hands and knees for a pacifier I had to over and over again tell myself "he is gone".

I get back in bed and snuggle my 4 year old and think I might get another hour or so or good, non-torturous sleep, but no.  I go back to another form of the dream, now I am in Iraq in the back of a car with terrorist driving through the desert.  There is gritty, dusty sand everywhere, it is blowing in the windows and around the outside of the car.  They are yelling stuff in Arabic or Kurdish, clearly very mad at me.  They pull out a portable DVD and make me watch a video.  It is JR, telling me to find him, they are going to kill him.  He is begging me and I am crying not knowing what to do, or how I got here.  Then I wake up.

These dreams are so tumultuous.  I go from the best feelings of being with him and things are normal again and right, to being the one that has to save him, and clearly I can't.  You literally wake up feeling like there is a hole in your heart.
I hate that my brother died, I also hate the way he died.  So violently and at such unease.  I know JR knew he was going to die.  We chatted on instant messenger the morning (for me) before he died (the night before for him).  He was so scared.  He had dreamed he would die, it was too real and he could not sleep anymore.  I will never forget what I told him.  I said that in all my life I had never seen him scared, that he was the optimist not the pessimist, his glass was always half full and through-out life he had gotten through so many situations the average person never would have.  I told him I had no doubt that he would be home safe again, but that he needed to shake these feelings and get his head back in the game.  We ended the conversation with him typing/saying something he never had before,   "I love you, you know that right?" That's the last thing my brother said to me.

Things are getting alittle hairy around here.....

My hair is falling out in handfuls!  I heard this might happen, but thought, well I have tons of hair it won't matter.  I was wrong, it matters!  Your hair is a big deal and I am learning that the hard way!  I think this started because of the kitchen repairs and my inability to get a protein shake in everyday.  I noticed it about a week into no protein shakes, and it is just getting worse.  I am back on the shakes but man every time I run my fingers through my hair there is tons in my hands.  It is also breaking off!  Anyone have any ideas here? Anything vitamin or mineral wise I can do?

Now lets talk vitamins.  I hate mine.  I do chewables because I am afraid to swallow the big vitamin pills.  I hate the way they taste, they make me gage.  So I never take them.  That ends today!

Weight loss:  Well there has not been anymore.  I need a fill and have been able to eat way more than I should.  Plus I am drinking while I am eating when I go out.  That too stops today.  I want to lose 20 more pounds by Christmas.  If I can do that I will be in the 230's, which in the big scheme of things is very close to being at my goal of under 200.  So in order to acheive my goals I am eating right again, doing shakes, taking vitamins and not eating and drinking together.  The other big thing holding me back is alcohol.  So once every 2 weeks is my goal there.

I look at these last 2 weeks not as a set back, but as being normal.  Sometimes you fall into a rut and sometimes you do too much of a bad thing.  That's OK as long as you come back to the cleaner side of living. So call me squeeky, because I am clean now, hairless but clean.  Bald is in again, right?