So you think you can dance?

Since my last post I have been using the Wii to exercise, so I thought I would review the video/games I have used. I feel like a few were wasted money and I hate to see anyone waste money, so here goes.

Gold's Gym Cardio Workout: Uses the normal Wii controller, Nunchuck and balance board. $18.04 Amazon.com

I love this one! It is boxing! Lots of fun and a great arm workout. I have some shoulder issues, so they were on fire after this, but I still loved it. I think its a great price and a fun arm workout.

Jillian Michaels Fitness Ultimatum 2010: uses the normal Wii controller and balance board. $14.07 Amazon.com

Save your $15! I absolutely hated this workout! The premise is you are in an exotic location and you use the controller to pick your location, mountains, dock, beach front, etc. I thought great we can work out on the beach, nope each location is one, yes ONE exercise. So after you do these exercises in the location you have to stop, let the Wii do it's thing and pick another place, load the exercise, etc. Such a waste of time! Also, the exercises using the balance board where you get on the floor, I feel like you do not get enough time to get into position before she starts. The only thing I liked is the run, but you will see later the game that came free with the balance board also offers this exercise. Again save your money!

The Biggest Loser Challenge: Uses normal Wii controller and balance board. $27.98 amazon.com (I got it at Target and I *think* it was on sale for $19.99).

I loved this one! I did not think I would because I am not a fan of the show. You pick the trainer (either Jillian or Bob). I chose Bob. They make the person working out with the trainer look like you. You pick facial features, height, weight etc. so I thought that was nice. You pick the length of your workout and the trainer (Bob) takes you through everything. It was a good workout. I was sweating (but I did during all these games as I can sweat like a man just walking through a room, blech!) Sometimes Bob says the same thing over and over and sometimes things he says make no sense. Such as the gauge on the side of the screen used to tell you how well you are executing a move, is on great, but Bob is saying something like, "Come on you got to try harder!" Other than that I really liked it and will continue to use it.

Gold's Gym DANCE Workout: Uses both normal Wii controllers, $19.96 (I got it at Target for $19.99)

I just finished doing this one for the first time. It is similar to the Wii Just Dance games, except it tells you the calories you are burning for your weight and you can make a workout up. You can pick the length and go through the various dances, pick them and that makes your workout out. I made a 25 minute workout and burned 275 calories. It was fun, but lord I am uncoordinated. I can not dance, nor move my feet and hands at the same time. I learned I could basically just move my feet any way and bounce my hands around to the beat of the music and get "great" points. But I was up and moving, I did break a sweat. All in all a nice, fun workout.

Wii Fit Plus: uses normal Wii controller, nunchuck and balance board. $18.47 amazon.com.

This game is great. I did Yoga, which I never would have and enjoyed it. It has hula hoop, running, step aerobics, etc. I really enjoyed all them and found I just kept exercising because I wanted to try something new. It has a strength training too, but I have not used that section as of yet. It monitors your weight loss, calories burned and time exercised and keeps it all in a bank, which is a nice feature. I also, think this one is great for a family because there are things on there that the kiddos may enjoy.


I will say I thought many of these games were too easy, so last Friday I did the Gold's Cardio Workout in the morning then went out and bought The Biggest Loser Challenge. So that afternoon I did that one. Holy crap I was so sore this weekend, so maybe they do more than I thought.

Kiddo just woke up so no time to edit, enjoy the typos!

Blog spoofing: Rehab Day 10

So just some quick Rehab updates and then a blog entry unrelated.
Current weight 233
New favorite exercise thing: The shake weight (yes it works your arms will hurt!)

Now for the unrelated:

I love to read other peoples blogs and I recently came across one called Sex, Lies and Bacon. It's a "diary" of a single mom. She basically writes a great deal about her vagina, how crappy her ex-husband is and her sexcapdes. Some of it's funny, but it all made me think, how would my daily life fit into her recipe. So I decided to write a blog post trying to fit my blog into her life. Here goes:

Too tired for sex, "Mommy, it wasn't me" and M&Ms

Today was an awesome day in my world of SAHM hood. (Not sure what SAHM means, man you are sooo uncool). This morning I woke up at 6am because my sons foot was shoved literally up my ass! Why? Because we were up until 2am. Wait did I say we, I meant me. No power lead to both kids in bed with me. My husband due to snoring got to sleep in my sons double bed sans kids. It's hard to fall asleep with a curly mop of 2 yr old hair going in your mouth and up you nose. And every time I would open my eyes, these big hazel eyes would stare at me and say, "Hi Mommy, you sleeping!" Then there was the echos of "It's dark!" etc etc etc. We finally fell asleep only to wake up at some point because all the lights came on, so 2 yr old to crib, 5 yr old smashed next to me and daddy back in bed. Lots of action in the sack last night!

Today between my deep obsession with the Casey Anthony trial, cleaning bathrooms and potty training above 2 yr I never left the house. Exciting. I made a dinner that only the adults ate and bribed my kids to pee with M&M's. I might cruise through Ashland in a bit, going 25 MPH in my Mommy mobile to hit up the Wal-Mart for another pack of Princess Pull-ups and some kids bath wash. If your lucky I'll Foursquare it and just to show the gen-y crowd that I still got it, I might even search my Twitter for a coupon! Bitches!

***I am in no way trying to start a single moms/married moms battle. Everyone's life is hard, I totally get it. I jumped into the breast milk/formula battle on-line once I learned my lesson then!*********

The Joy of Cooking: Rehab Day 3

Things are going very well!  I have done the things I said I would and I am feeling great! I am doing some hard analyzing of things and one thing I realized is I LOVE to cook! I already knew this, but I looked one step deeper into it.  I don't necessarily love to eat, but I love the process of cooking.  I find it cathartic. Chopping the veggies, mixing sauces, playing with textures and tastes.  It just makes me happy. So I peeled the onion one layer deeper and realized that cooking is no different that creating with paper or paint.  No different than designing or decorating. Even really no different than photography.  These are all things that I adore and make me happy.  They all use creativity, thinking, art and tools.  Cooking does evoke the use of another sense that some of these do not and that is the sense of smell.  Maybe that is why cooking ranks at the top of my list of favorite hobbies.  It uses all of the senses.   I am going to do some baking this weekend.  It's been years since I have baked bread.  I found my favorite yeast at the local Martin's and grabbed it.  So instead of Peter heading to Whole Foods weekly for their fresh Italian bread and then spending more money on impulse items only found at Whole Foods, I decided to try and make him some.  I found am Italian bread recipe that calls for the use of a biga, so Saturday I will make that first. Then 5 hours later its time to start the process of creating the bread.  I will let you know the results.  I do not eat bread in general.  I will take a tiny taste and usually it has to be toasted to not cause Cybil a problem.  But I will surely taste a smidge to see how I did!

I have not weighed myself since Sunday. I am trying to hold off until Friday, but I am a scale addict!  My hardest challenge so far has been drinking enough water.  I just don't do it.  It's not that I don't like water, I am just not a big drinker.  Add in not drinking 30 minutes before a meal (I follow that rule loosely), during a meal and for an hour after and it makes getting in your daily amounts hard!

Accomplishment of the day:  I am wearing a size 18 sundress as I type this!  It's been a loooonnngggg time since my size did not contain a "2"!

Joie de vivre. Joy of life. Live it, love it and if you    don't, then change it! 

Absence of Malice: Rehab Day 1

Try -
–verb (used with object)

1.to attempt to do or accomplish: Try it before you say it's simple.

2.to test the effect or result of (often followed by out ): to try a new method; to try a recipe out.

3.to endeavor to evaluate by experiment or experience: to try a new field; to try a new book.

You try a great deal of things in life.  You try to do well, be upstanding, live life to it's fullest and be as good or better as the generation before you. You also do simple things like trying a new sport, new foods, new hairstyles, etc.  In trying new things one thing is inevitable, failing.  If you do not realize that failing could be an option, even though no one wants it, then you quite possibly are setting yourself up for a great let down.  You start all new things with a gun-ho vigor that could take down the biggest obstacles. Things are great, you are the Guru of your new found "try" and then it happens.  Life, old habits, monotony, etc and the "try" becomes a fail.  

In the past I have been known to turn a "try" into a fail on numerous occasions.  I love to try new things, projects and tasks, I just hate following through.  I find another new thing to "try" and never finish the first one.  It's a pattern I am attempting to correct.  Today is the restart of Rehab.  I have had fun, taken my eye off the goal and now I am once again focused.  

Like any good Rehab, mine is starting with detox!  Whats that entail? Well the downloading of  a calorie counting app (I am using a free one called Calorie Counter by FatSecret) was my first step this morning.  I will use it to manage exercise, calories and protein used in a day.   My second step this morning was filling a 20oz water bottle with water and drinking it (after a mug of coffee).  Third, eating breakfast, which I combined with step 4 drinking a protein shake.  Step 5, planning a lunch and eating what was planned.  

So far so good.  Want to know what I have eaten today so far:

Breakfast:

8oz 2% milk w/ sugar free Carnation Instant Breakfast added and a tsp of instant expresso

Snack:

Dannon DanActive Immunity Yogurt Shot (blueberry)

Lunch:

1/2 large Pink Lady Apple

1/2 serving of Oscar Meyer Deli Express Grilled Chicken mixed with:

1 Hard Boiled Egg &

1 tbsp Ken's Steakhouse lite Honey Mustard Dressing (yeah, it was kinda gross)

So far so good.  I am hungry (I need a fill badly, but keep forgetting to call maybe I should do that now, LOL).  The big test will be dinner and after. I have/had been in a bad habit of eating nothing all day, then eating a big (big for me) dinner, then having a Margaritta or glass of wine and snacking.  One thing I am planning to do to stop the snacking is drinking a decaf coffee, and if I need to snack having veggies dipped in FF dressing.  I wanted to add to that I feel with any huge thing in your life, by that I mean something that takes a great deal of effort and a lot of time, you need to reinvent it and refresh it every so often. 

I also plan to exercise at night.  My parents gave me the fit board thingy for our Wii.  I ordered Julian Michaels (barf, I can not stand her, but obviously I need her) and Golds Gym Wii games.  I hope they show up today.  I will *try (read above to see that I lose interest quickly, LOL) to write a blog daily.  I think it will be helpful, but boring for you guys.  Maybe you will enjoy seeing what I eat everyday, maybe it will help you!  

The other thing I did over the last week is rid my life of a toxic relationship that was causing some stress.  I am a stress eater and I just don't need malice in my relationships.  Friendships should be rewarding and fulfilling for all people involved, not hurtful and stressful.  

 

So guys here we go again! Who's with me?

Current weigh 235

Damn you Cybil!

Cybil, Cybil, Cybil oh the problems you cause.  I am tired of chewing my food to oblivion only to watch you do the esphogial tango with it!  The throwing-up, the pain, really Cybil is it necessary?  I ask you, have I not been good to you? I have eaten Hot and Sour soup for 5 dinners in a row to give you a break, was that not enough?  Let me remind you that I am uncertain of half of the things that were floating in that soup dear Cybil.  Now Cybil my husband is bringing me a Mediterranean wrap from Jason's Deli in about an hour.  Can you please please please let me digest it.  I have eaten only a 1/4 of a Smart One's lunch today and a skinny Starbucks, I cut all the grass, I took care of 2 kids, I need some damn calories!!!!! So please don't get your panties in a wad when you see tiny pieces of turkey and humus!  I am strongly thinking about making  an appointment dear Cybil to have some fluid removed from you if you do not straighten up!

Now that I have spoken to Cybil, I will speak to you guys!  (OK I feel a tad Charlie Sheen with that)  Things are good.  Dear Cybil digests carbohydrates very well (baked potatoes, crackers, cereal), which lead to a bit of higher calorie eating  (still in small amounts).  This caused me to loss and gain the same 2 lbs for about a month, but I made Cybil my bitch and got it back to where it needs to go.  I think I am in a rhythm again and feel like the weight will start to come off again. The great news is this last month did not completely freak me out.  I was OK with it.  I feel like such a tremendous weight loss done this fast needs a break every once in a while.  My poor skin sure thinks so, as it is definatly showing the effects of this last 8 months.  I would still like to be at 100lbs lost by July 29th, so I better get my butt into the gym!  I feel like every morning something comes up, the house needs cleaning, a kid is sick, I am sick, I have something to do with the search for a new house, etc. (Oh yeah, did I mention we are trying to get out of suburban hell?  Makes you want to rent my house right?)  But I know I will find my rhythm with the gym too.  Once I do I tend to turn into a gym junkie.  It will happen! 

Tonight I did the arduous task that starts every Spring, cutting the grass.  My allergies hated it!  But I love the way the yard looks when it is cut.  I decided today to don a pair of pre-weight loss shorts.  I put them on and they were very loose but stayed up so I went for it, they were all I had.  Well, I had to stop the lawn mower a million times to pull them up.  The weight of my iPhone in my pocket was pulling them down.  I felt like one of those kids my mother was describing to me today over the phone.  She was sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot waiting on my dad, and said " This kid just got out of his car and I can see his underwear."  I told her that is how kids wear their pants now a days.  Two minutes later she said " I can see his ass, I swear his jeans are around his hips."  Now if you know my mother, those are not direct qoutes!  But I did feel like that, so I just headed over to Land's End and ordered some clothes for Spring/Summer. I cleaned out the closet this weekend and gave away 3 bags of clothes that were too big!  Happy Spring Ya'll!  18 days until I head to Vegas!

Tigers and warlocks and gods, Oh My!

So after a few tempestuous weeks, I can gladly say, "I am back!" I am not only back but I am better than ever.  Now I will not say I am a warlock, or drinking tiger blood or that I even have Gods living with me, but I do feel new and improved.  Lots of loose ends in my life are coming together, my family is on the road to health and healing and man it feels good! 

I have committed myself back to weight loss, not that I ever really forgot about it.  I just realized other aspects of my life were more pressing.  I am happy to say I hit 239 this morning!  Can I get a collective WHOOO HOOOO! That's a total of 73lbs! I love seeing the scale drop down to a new set of 10's! It's like a new goal starts every time that happens, now I am on a push to see the 220's.  My band that was way too tight has now simmered down and I am able to live with it.  I will say I do throw up more now (TMI I know but hey this blog is honest) but I am learning the triggers that cause it.  I am eating slower, smaller bites now.  I think I finally got how to eat with this band.  It was a struggle, but one I am happy I kept with. 

Wow what a crazy 7 months!  I am ready for Spring, why? Because none of my pants fit!

My basket is full...

Just a quick update, well not really but.......  Lots of stuff going on in my life that is putting weight loss to the back burner.  I have not updated here, because well, I have literally not had the mental energy.  I will be back soon with hopefully everything in my life somewhat in place. 

MJ Tourettes?

My friend just sent me this link, because it reminded her of me.  I think its true, I have pre-surgery Michael Jackson Tourettes syndrome. 

Brazilian Taxi Driver Contracts Michael Jackson Tourette’s Syndrome

By Michelle Collins

A new disease is spreading in the Southern Hemisphere of this Earth. A disease so debilitating, it can strike up without warning and take hold of even the most innocent of humans. And once it gets hold of you, that’s it. There is no cure. I refer of course to Michael Jackson Tourettes Syndrome. The latest victim? An innocent cab driver found in Brazil.
Take a look at this home video footage and pray that you and your family aren’t infected:

Some ways that you can prevent catching Michael Jackson Tourette’s? Stay indoors after sundown. Wash the hands of your children when they get home from school. Train your dogs to make inside the house. Get your car washed – Shamone! Come on ya! – oh God, sorry, hold on a second — Hee-heeeeee*cough* — Oh no, God, SHAMONE, God no. It’s happening… It’s — Whoo! — I — SHA.. SHA… Call 911. It’s here. *RIPS VEST OPEN* *JUMPS ON CAR* *GLASS BREAKS* *MACAULAY CULKIN STARTS TO RAP* 
******taken from www.bestweekever.tv**********

Is that a Seroma on your port or are you just happy to see me......

Cybil Cybil Cybil!  (that's it's name, the band that is). Today I went in for my first post op fill.  I requested it happen under floroscope due to the pain that I am having that is literally keeping me up at night.  I was sure Cybil's counterpart, the port, had flipped.  But no the problem is a seroma and a hematoma.  I guess around the port is a large pocket of fluid (seroma) and a larger bruise (hematoma).  So I was able to get a fill!  Yay! After the needle was removed, a large amount of the seroma's fluid drained too.  So hopefully tonight will be better.  I am supposed to take it easy until Monday, lots of liquid ibuproben and heating pads. 

I am back on the *dun dun dun* dreaded liquid diet. I wish I had the Soup Nazi nearby! But I am excited about this in a way, because starting Sunday when I advance to the soft mushy stage I am going to start measuring in my little 4 oz cup.  I NEVER measured before (shhhhhhh don't tell). Hopefully this will lead to more weight loss as I have basically been at a stand still for a month and half trying to get Cybil fixed.   I found this great blog today, http://www.bandfriendlyrecipes.com can't wait to try some of their recipes and tips. 

That's about it for now.  I will let you know when I lose some more!

Grow up little girl!

You know things, life,people etc we are all funny.  In your 20's you think you own the world.  You know more than anyone else, you DESERVE everything, you WANT everything, and no one can tell you anything differenet.  You come into your 30's learning more about yourself.  At least I have.  I figured out my temper and how to more or less control it.  I know my fears, my boundaries, some of my limitations, lots of my short comings, things I soar at accomplishing and in general what I want out of this period in my life.

  I am able to wake up and say I am thankful for my children, which I am  literally brought to tears when I think of how strong my love is for them and what they mean to me.  I am thankful for a husband who for all my faults lets me be me and loves me for just that.  Parents who have an undying love for my children and WANT them around constantly.  My friends who are amazing, fun and loving.  I truly can say I have my best friend now and I know we will still be causing trouble together in our 80's! There really and truly is nothing to complain about in my life and for that I am thankful.
I guess what I am trying to say is looking back over the last year, I have learned a lot about Liz and I really do like the Liz that is here now. 

I have thought about all of this a great deal lately but today I decided to write about because of 3 strangers.  Today is the first day I could drive! (Yay!) and the first day of very little pain (Yay! again).  So I was out in Short Pump at Home Goods looking for stuff for our dining room redo.  While loading the couple of things I found into the back of my car a girl pulled up beside me and said, "Excuse me, I just have to tell you I love your boots!  Where did you get them?" I told her and then she said, "You are just so put together, your whole ensemble, I can just tell you love to shop and you look great!"  I thanked her and we went our separate ways.  I was floored!  I left the house today wearing a dress I was going to return because its too big.  I wore it thinking it would be comfy on my tummy.  My hair in my eyes, looked bad.  Yes, I do think my boots are cute, but in general it was an "I feel gross day".  So her saying that got me thinking, wow people really do see me differently then I see myself. So off I went to Trader Joe's.  As I was getting a cart there was a worker straightening them and he said.  "I love your boots, you look great!" I thanked him and said "Wow twice in 20 minutes!"  Then while shopping a lady was walking by me and tapped me on the shoulder and said "Great dress". I literally could have skipped through the store on clouds!
But besides these 3 strangers making my day, they also taught me a big lesson.  People really do look at me differently then I look at myself!  I need to realize I no longer look like the Liz of 5 months ago and 63 lbs heavier!  (Yep, guys I lost the 5lbs pounds I gained over the holiday and with the band not working.! Woot woot I am back to pre-holiday weight even with the surgery swelling)

So pay a stranger a compliment, you never know how much you will make their day!

P.S here is the boots and dress

but my dress is chocolate brown

If I knew then what I know now.......

I might have just tried a bit harder to be happy with Liz.  I mean how bad was I? I really only did things that hurt myself, no one else.  I in general made people laugh, took care of my family, left no debt on society, I was just fat.  But I could not deal with that, so I went and did this radical surgery, which is now kicking me in the butt.  It really has me thinking now that I sit here in pain, 2 surgeries  within almost exactly 5 months. 

Here were my reasons for doing it:
*I was at my biggest ever, super uncomfortable and in pain nightly from planter fascitus, back, knee and hips.  It was getting to the point of needing a cane.  I was 33 stuck in what felt like a 70 year old's body.
*Diets have never worked for me, and I felt like I would always eat my way back from any weight loss, I had proven that to be true my whole life.
*I wanted to fit into society better, dress better, enjoy life more.

Most of those reasons seemed justified, and most of those have been rectified with just the loss of 60lbs.  Which is wonderful!  I am highly greatful and still astonished daily by it.  But.....

I am very mad at myself for putting my body through utter hell.  Lets face it I have lost 60lbs, but also 1/2 of my hair (no joke it still comes out in handfuls), my liver hates what I am doing to it (which I suspect my alcohol consumption does not help), I have now put my body through 2 major surgeries.  I mean the whole thing is just ridiculous.  So here we go again.  3rd chance to do this, I really hope I  can grasp this thing and do it right.  I have decided to look into over-eaters anonymous, there is a meeting at Retreat hospital weekly so I think once I am up and moving better I will go.  I mean lets face it, I got a problem.  At this point I feel its no different than and alcoholic or heroin addict, except I have to eat to live.  That last part makes this whole thing a bit harder. 

So here is my plan for success:

*keep writing in my blog, being honest on here keeps me accountable
*Attend meetings for over-eaters anonymous
*I drink way too much in my eyes, so I am putting it down.  Special occasions only, Birthday, Holiday etc.  Not any night I feel. 
*Slow down and enjoy every bit of food, not inhale it.
* Understand I am not entitled to anything, everything is a gift and should be treated that way

Hopefully I will solve this problem once and for all.


Now I wanted to address a question I get asked a lot. "Should I/my friend/my relative have this surgery?"  That is so hard to answer.  I will say, it is not a magic bullet.  You have to work with it and it is very easy to work against it.  Research your surgeon! You may honestly (excuse the pun) feel like their cash cow.  Know your options! Realize that yes you will more than likely lose you hair, and that trust me is harder to deal with than it seems.  Go to a support group or find one on-line.  I only heard sunshine and roses until I started looking on-line and at that point it was too late.  I did not look on-line because I was specifically told by my surgeon not too!  Flashing neon light now! But when you are desperate you will do things.  Also, if anyone wants to talk to me about it, PLEASE feel free to send them my way.  While I thankful for this surgery I have learned a lot since the first incision!

Overview of Thursday 12/30

I was told to be at the hospital at 7:30 for surgery.  Which after many phone calls to make sure it was correct was supposed to be a port revision and diagnostic exploratory surgery done under a scope.  I get into pre-op and the orders are written wrong, port revision open.  Meaning no finding out what was causing so much pain and no laproscopic surgery.  After somewhat arguing with the Dr and insurance I was taken in at 8:30 for the CORRECT surgery.  I explained to the nurse I could be her easiest or hardest patient.  It all depended on if they did the right one.  I ended up being her easiest!  I will say that I was much more subdued this time, no Jesus Christ superstar, no highly inappropriate comments.  It might have helped that a childhood friends mother was one of my nurses and I was *trying* to be good.  I do however seem to think of Michael Jackson while on Operating tables.  The last thing the Anesthesiologist said to me was you may experience chest and arm pain but it will go away and you will fall asleep.  I remembered watching a 20/20 where the reporter was put under using the same "milk" MJ preferred.  He has really bad pain, but did not remember it.  I remember thinking I should speak up and tell them "no milk", but then I was asleep before I could say anything.

I woke up to my first thoughts and words being of pain.  I remember telling them that I was in a great deal of pain, and getting a good deal of morphine.  I went into recovery and literally was in our car within 1 1/2 hours.

What they found:  yes the port was completely flipped and floating around, that was fixed.  I also had a lot of "adhesion's" or scar tissue.  Some of that was attached to the tubing causes pulling and tenting.  Which was probably the cause of my pain.  Also, they did another liver biopsy.  I could not really get a straight answer about this except that he did not like the way it looked, and was/is somewhat afraid my liver is not handling the rate of weight loss well.  Makes sense to me since it seems the rest of me really is not either.

This surgery has been by far the worst surgery I have ever had.  The pain is intense and hard to deal with.  I normally do not take pain killers once I get home from surgery, but with this one I am taking double doses.  They used most of the same incision points as last time, except they also went into my belly button, lovely! I am as expected very swollen and where my stomach had become very fleshy and soft it is not rock hard and swollen.  I have graduated from liquids to soft and mushy foods, and the scale is showing me that even though I am swollen and water logged, I believe I have lost the holiday/port not working weight.  Honestly not too much of a concern to me right now.  The Dr. left my band open with no fluid.  He told me I could come in this week and he would fill it, no thanks.  Stick a needle in there right now and I might sock you! So I will call later in the week to make my 2 week follow up and go from there.  Honestly I am not that hungry and it really is not bothering me much.

Pain currently is awful, but it really is not from an incision, it is from the CO2 they fill your abdominal cavity with to give the scopes room to move.  It gets trapped in your back, abdomen and shoulders and it hurts like hell.  I am trying to walk around and do light cleaning as this is supposed to help, but I can't see where it does.  This by far is the worst part of laproscopic surgery in my eyes.

So that's where I stand, I am going to write another post now about other things.......

It's not a band, it's a person?

So last night I had a reality check.  I decided that I *deserved* to do what I want. Why? Because at times when things get hard I throw a little temper tantrum.  Such is last night.  I mentioned to Peter that McDonalds would taste so good. (Poor man, if he had said, "nah, I'm not feeling it." I would have annihilated him.) So on his way home from working last night  he grabbed a cheeseburger and small fries for me. Me, who will here further be referred to as "Dumbass". Three bites into the cheeseburger and Dumbass had a problem.  STUCK!  Well hello Dumbass, you have not ate bread in months, much less dry, shitty meat, big wonder that it was stuck.  So after 1/2 an hour of spitting up my saliva, because I literally could not swallow it and moaning in pain and walking the floors it finally went down.  So why is this called reality check? Because Dumbass needed one.  Dumbass needed to realize that even though the band is not working properly for her right now, it is still there.  Dumbass needed to feel a little pain and realize that even though things are not going as planned they are still going and she needs to still follow the plan.So while in the next month I may not lose any weight, I am still in the same boat.  The band is there, it's not going anywhere.  I signed up for this, no carbonation (amazingly easy so far), no bread, no steak, no rice, no big bites, no eating too fast.

Other things I was thinking about while trying to fall asleep last night, people in the band world refer to this thing like a person.  "So how are you liking your band?"  "What would you do if you lost your band today?"  "Do you love your band?"  "The band is great isn't it?"  So while yes, in general I like my band, I love my results so far, no I would not want to lose my band, etc. I still think it is just a piece of plastic (medical grade, but plastic).  So in order to cheer the mood I was thinking of asking for naming options for the band.  I mean, yes it is ridiculous, but funny.  People name their cars, can't I name my band?  It needs something that fits it's personality.   Slightly edgy, cutting edge, giving and yet needy at the same time. It must be expensive sounding too.  As it is only a small amount plastic and metal, but very expensive.  Also, no fat girl names like Gertrude or Fanny, this bitch is skinny! So post your name suggestions, come on it will be fun!

Old and creaky.......

That's how I feel, old and creaky.  The pain comes and goes.  I can go from doubled over to just fine in a matter of seconds.  There is no rhyme or reason to it, but sitting still seems to be the least painful way to go.  But for me and my lifestyle sitting still really doesn't work well.  I did go grocery shopping today, I just didn't unload them.  I cleaned up the house, just not the way I usually do.  One thing we are going to do is have a cleaning lady come in weekly through the end of January.  I did put the tree up last night, I just took it slow.  I try not to pick up Sophie very much  or do so from a sitting position.  So, in general I am just taking it as easy as my life allows.  I have already laid down the law about life for the month after surgery.  Momma is not doing anything.  Finn will go to Goddard full-time after PEDD for the month, and Sophie will be with mom. Pete will become re-acquainted with cleaning products and a broom. So other than that I will just need to make myself SIT STILL! Please Lord let there be lots of Real Housewives marathons on Bravo that month!

Now for the why this might have happen theory..... The port is/was attatched to the muscle.  Well, from what I have read, the muscles are even covered in some fat. As I lose weight, I also lose fat around organs and muscle too.  If the port was attached to a rather fatty place, then as the fat melted the port became looser and looser and just undid itself.  As far as why the tubing migrated, I have no idea!?

Other things that are still going on, HAIR LOSS!  Good Lord, this has got to stop soon.  Again, Thank God I had tons of hair before all of this! I will estimate I have lost close to 50% of my hair at this point.  I am taking lots of B complex and Biotin, I also started to use Nioxin.  Hopefully it will stop soon.  I am optimistic it will!

Now for happy stuff.  I have had a blast lately buying new clothes and just enjoying putting on make-up, getting dressed and looking nice.  What a great feeling!  I had totally lost all of that before.  I dreaded getting dressed and hardly wore make-up.  I am down from a size 30 to a 22 and sometimes a 20.  Psychologically it is hard to get myself to buy those sizes.  I am still trying to take 28's into the dressing room!  I got fitted for a bra the other day and I should wear a 40C, my stupid tail still bought a 42C.;  Baby steps, baby steps.

Well, well, well

First let me start by saying this, AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My port is completely flipped and detached from the muscle!  Also, I have been dealing with a horrific pain in my side, this pain feels like a bad cramp after running, times 10.  The Dr. looked on the image and saw that my tubing has migrated over to the area where I am feeling the pain.  Which is directly to the left of my port and over about 2 inches.  He thinks the tubing has done one or all of three things, 1) attached to the muscle, 2) attached to my pancreas or 3) is lodged between the muscle.  The only way to find out is exploratory surgery.  So instead of just a quick in and out port fix under twilight anesthesia, I now have to go through another laprascopic surgery with full anesthesia on Dec 30th. The findings will tell us how long I am in the hospital for.  So needless to say I am pissed, upset and completely dumbfounded! I am also upset that I will be in pain until the 30th.  Needless to say this New Years will blow!~  Well off to cancel our sitter!

Which one do you want first? The good or the bad?

Let's start with the good.  Yesterday at the Doctor I weighed 252, tada I have lost 60 lbs!

Now for the bad.....I went for a fill yesterday as I badly needed one.  I knew the minute Erin stuck the needle in there was a problem.  She had the needle in my skin and kept "fishing" around with it.  Highly unusual, highly painful!  I could feel what I can only describe as the needle scratching against plastic, a truly weird sensation.  After a couple of minutes of me doing sit ups, relaxing, sits up again, Erin removed the needle and said she did not get it.  So we tried doing it with me standing up.  That involved another nurse in the room with smelling salts at the stand by.  Very painful again, lots of scratching and searching and again nothing.  So she removed the needle and tried again.  Again very painful, with lots of pushing this time.  Nothing!  At this point I am getting worried because Erin is a PRO! She is known for her fillin' abilities and lack of a miss-fire!  So she leaves the room and comes back with Dr. Schroder the other surgeon in the practice, he tries, NOTHING! He asks for a smaller needle and promises this one will not hurt as bad.  It did not with the initial piercing, but then he decided I have tons of scar tissue he need to push through.  Holy mother of God! Then I can feel the needle scratching plastic again.  He tries one more time with a new "realize" set-up. Same results as all the others.  He looks at me and asks "Has anything happened to your port"?  ummmm no!  He hypothesizes that one of three things has happened: 1) I have tons of scar tissue and he can not get through it 2) the port tilted 3) the port flipped over and the back of the port is presenting to the needle.

Let's discuss this .  I chose the Allergan - Lap Band  band due to its port.  It was reported to be easier to fill, higher profile and less chance of movement  and flipping!  He said if it flipped I will be his first patient ever. That usually after 6 weeks it is in place and good. So I go back Friday to go under Floroscope with the Dr. Schroder and see whats going on.  I am praying for scar tissue or tilted port.  Those we can work with, flipped port means ANOTHER surgery!

This is a picture of the Lap-Band, the port is circular thing at the end of the tubing right above this sentence.  The dark grey piece is where the needle needs to puncture.  Usually when that happens I can feel a "pop".

Once the Dr. left the room, I asked Erin if I would have felt the port flip, she said not necessarily. I told her I get really really bad craps on that side (I have one now) and they go on for hours. She said some patients do.

Guys I am really worried.  I do not want to go through surgery again, this one *I* think would be worse too, because they have to cut this thing out of the muscle and reattach it. Plus Peter and I have been hammered with bills lately and depending if the surgery happens before Jan 1 or not, it will cost us anywhere between $2800 and $5000.  Arrghhh, I know I am worrying before knowing, but if you know me, that's me. So any prayers, good thought, positive vibes, etc would be greatly appreciated!

Dreams.....

Dreaming is such a surreal experience.  Consisting of vivid, emotional pictures and feelings that some times make no sense.  Some times we dream in short little spurts, or none at all.  But other times we have those dreams that seem to go through the entire night. Even after slightly waking to roll over or adjust in the bed, the dream continues.  At least that was my experience last night.

My dream last night was similar to one I used to have consistently for many years after the death of my brother.  Tortuous dreams, consisting of bits of reality and pieces of nonsense. Yet parts of it made me long for it to never stop.  Parts of it made life feel like it used to, he was alive, smiling, handsome as ever and happy. These dreams are so realistic that they envelop all of my senses.  I swear I can even smell him during the dreams.  Last nights dream started so nice and happy and ended again in torture.  There was no one scene I can pinpoint from the beginning of the dream, just warm and happy feelings and knowing he was alive and OK.  Talking to him, being brother and sister again, surrounded by love and warmth. Then the war happened.  The military showing up again saying this time he was only "wounded" but no more.  Days of wondering what happened and the honest feeling of terror while sleeping.  Then calm happened again, JR showed up at my door and he was fine, whole and amazed to find that I would not let him go.  He explained he had just gotten in a small scuffle and showed me he had not a scratch on his body.  All I could do was cry and try to explain to him he was already dead. Then my daughter woke up and pulled me out of hell.  This dream was so realistic that at 4am while searching on hands and knees for a pacifier I had to over and over again tell myself "he is gone".

I get back in bed and snuggle my 4 year old and think I might get another hour or so or good, non-torturous sleep, but no.  I go back to another form of the dream, now I am in Iraq in the back of a car with terrorist driving through the desert.  There is gritty, dusty sand everywhere, it is blowing in the windows and around the outside of the car.  They are yelling stuff in Arabic or Kurdish, clearly very mad at me.  They pull out a portable DVD and make me watch a video.  It is JR, telling me to find him, they are going to kill him.  He is begging me and I am crying not knowing what to do, or how I got here.  Then I wake up.

These dreams are so tumultuous.  I go from the best feelings of being with him and things are normal again and right, to being the one that has to save him, and clearly I can't.  You literally wake up feeling like there is a hole in your heart.
I hate that my brother died, I also hate the way he died.  So violently and at such unease.  I know JR knew he was going to die.  We chatted on instant messenger the morning (for me) before he died (the night before for him).  He was so scared.  He had dreamed he would die, it was too real and he could not sleep anymore.  I will never forget what I told him.  I said that in all my life I had never seen him scared, that he was the optimist not the pessimist, his glass was always half full and through-out life he had gotten through so many situations the average person never would have.  I told him I had no doubt that he would be home safe again, but that he needed to shake these feelings and get his head back in the game.  We ended the conversation with him typing/saying something he never had before,   "I love you, you know that right?" That's the last thing my brother said to me.

Things are getting alittle hairy around here.....

My hair is falling out in handfuls!  I heard this might happen, but thought, well I have tons of hair it won't matter.  I was wrong, it matters!  Your hair is a big deal and I am learning that the hard way!  I think this started because of the kitchen repairs and my inability to get a protein shake in everyday.  I noticed it about a week into no protein shakes, and it is just getting worse.  I am back on the shakes but man every time I run my fingers through my hair there is tons in my hands.  It is also breaking off!  Anyone have any ideas here? Anything vitamin or mineral wise I can do?

Now lets talk vitamins.  I hate mine.  I do chewables because I am afraid to swallow the big vitamin pills.  I hate the way they taste, they make me gage.  So I never take them.  That ends today!

Weight loss:  Well there has not been anymore.  I need a fill and have been able to eat way more than I should.  Plus I am drinking while I am eating when I go out.  That too stops today.  I want to lose 20 more pounds by Christmas.  If I can do that I will be in the 230's, which in the big scheme of things is very close to being at my goal of under 200.  So in order to acheive my goals I am eating right again, doing shakes, taking vitamins and not eating and drinking together.  The other big thing holding me back is alcohol.  So once every 2 weeks is my goal there.

I look at these last 2 weeks not as a set back, but as being normal.  Sometimes you fall into a rut and sometimes you do too much of a bad thing.  That's OK as long as you come back to the cleaner side of living. So call me squeeky, because I am clean now, hairless but clean.  Bald is in again, right?

Finally I did it.......

YES!!! I finally did it, I lost 50lbs! Well 52lbs on my home scale to be exact, which on the Doctors scale would be 54lbs!  This morning I weighed 260lbs! I am so damn excited! I am also proud of myself, because while in the last two weeks I have gone without a kitchen, eaten every meal at a Restaurant and not been able to go to the gym, I still lost weight! Mind you it was a slllooowww two weeks and I was stuck at 265 for what felt like ever! But damn it I did it!

Now for what happened since my last update.  I went into the Dr.'s on 10-8 and had some fluid (1cc) removed from my band.  It made a world of difference.  Erin my nurse told me I would probably need to come back in about 2 weeks and have a tiny bit put back in.  I think she is right and I will call early next week and make the appointment.  I still really dislike fills and un-fills, but it is a necessary evil.

I am headed out of town for a long weekend with a good friend.  I am so excited about this.  I need the R n R and a good head clearing. I am sure we will take plenty of pics, so I will post a new pic next week if we get a good one.

Funny story from this morning, I pulled on a pair of jeans to get Finn off to school.  I came upstairs and was talking to Pete for a bit and realized these jeans were falling down.  Pete said "you are so small now, kinda like petite". (I know he has biased eyes!)  Then he said, "But you look like a person, well, trying to wear too big pants!"  It is still crazy too me, because two weeks ago these jeans were snug.  Every time I pick up a pair of jeans to put on, I look at them and in my head I think, "there is no way in hell these are going to fit".  And they do, but now they are too big!

Captins log.....

Current weight 265, total weigh loss 47lbs.  I was really liking all this until about last week.  Everything I eat now gets stuck!  It is painful and embarrassing and I really hate it.  I put a call in to the doctor today and I am waiting for a callback.

I am assuming they will do either of these things:
1) Remove all the fluid and put me on liquids for awhile, then refill back to 4cc (I have 6cc now).
2) Remove 1cc and see how that goes.

I would far rather go with option 2.  I really do not want to go to 0 and start over, since I have never experienced the band empty.  I imagine I will be very hungry and not enjoy life very much until they fill it again.  But I am jumping the gun.

So, you may wonder what it feels like to get food stuck.  I will try and explain it.  Have you every gorged yourself on your favorite food? I mean eat until there is actually no more room, so the food just kinda sits in the esophagus.  Think Thanksgiving and you might get the idea. Well, it feels like that, but then add the worst indigestion pain you have ever felt.  Then the burping starts.  After you burp you feel better for a minute.  I think that is because the burp lifts the food up and off the band temporarily.  The food then sits back down on the band and it all starts over again.  This goes on for about 30 minutes.  It really sucks.  Now the other crappy thing about it is, you might have been starving hungry before you ate that bite.  But once it gets stuck, you are not hungry anymore. My theory on this is that the food is sitting on the band, so it is telling the band to tell your brain you are full.  If this happens early in the meal, as it has been for me, I either don't eat anymore or I force more down knowing the tiny bit I ate will not sustain me. 
I have two fears associated with this problem.
1) I am damaging the band and pouch by stretching it
2) I am screwing up the hernia repair


Needless to say, momma ain't happy.  Anyone who said this is the easy way out should really read this!

Also, we are currently  knee deep in the kitchen remodel, which is not fun, but it will be so worth it!So no functioning kitchen right now.

I am going to try and end this on a happy note though, I have gone down 4 to 5 sizes depending on where the clothes are from! And the current sizes are getting too loose.